A FEW WORDS FROM THE AUTHOR:

as we go into the second part of chapter six where things come to a head for our friends and sides are taken, lines are drawn, I would like to say thank you to all who have written in with your comments and support. When I began writing this tale two, nearly three years back, the first thing in my mind was the question of who would ever read it. I had to trust that if I threw it out into the universe, the right people would find it, and so they are. The manuscript for the completed book just went to a publisher yesterday and is awaiting reception. And I am trusting that if only I write faithfully, then the right people will read it.
Yours,
CLG.

P.S.-- I responded to your comment at the end of chapter five, so you can go back there and look at it if you want.



Before Mick Rafferty went to bed, he looked out of his window to see what was going on down below on Dodge Street. He was surprised to see Ashley Foster standing on the corner, arms wrapped about herself. Yes, that was Ashley. But hadn’t she left an hour before, thanking him profusely for all of his help, making him feel somewhat useful?
A voice that sounded a whole lot like George Stearne’s told him to mind his own business, but he let the old lace curtain that had come with the apartment fall back, and then he left little enclosed porch, went out of the front door of the apartment, and down the old flight of steps that wound down to the little lobby.
A few cars sped under the viaduct, and a group of kids who might not have been hooligans, but were the next best thing, walked by on the cracked pavement. The hairs on Mick’s neck went up. Hey had almost been him. Ten years ago. He went to the corner.
“Ashley.”
She almost jumped, then turned around.
“My Rafferty!”
“What are you doing here? I thought you said you drove here.”
“I said I came here,” she clarified. “I didn’t feel like asking Tina for the car. “I thought I’d catch the bus.”
“You’ve been out here since you left the apartment?
She nodded.
“God, Ashley.” Mick shook his head. “Another bus won’t be by until tomorrow.”
“Wha?”
He smiled and shrugged. “Here. I see you’re not used to public transit. Come upstairs with me while I get my coat. I’ll drive you home.”
Ashley nodded, feeling stupid, and followed Mick into the apartment building.
“Mr. Rafferty,” Ashley was saying, walking around in his apartment, looking at the second hand couches and chairs, the hand me down coffee table. “You don’t have to do all of this.”
“I think I do, Ashley,” Mick said, reaching into his closet and pulling out the long leather coat with the hood she had seen him in when he was coming to school with George Stearne. “I can’t very well leave one of my students on the corner in the middle of the night.”
“It’ll give you a reputation,” Ashley said.
Mick gave her a bright smile.
“Being on the corner with you?” he said.
“Being seen with me,” she said. “And if my parents saw your car drop me off--”
“Don’t worry,” Mick Rafferty said. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll drop you off on the corner and let you walk. Or whatever suits you. Now come on.” he grabbed his keys off the mantelpiece.

There was plenty of time to talk while Mick drove her across town to Logan. When he learned she hadn’t applied to college, he said, “There’s always Belmont.”
“Everyone always says there’s always Belmont,” Ashley said tiredly. “There’s always Mc.Donalds, and there’s always hell, but I don’t want to go there either.
“I don’t know what I want to do... Or where to go,” Ashley said. “I’ve fucked things up here.” She covered her mouth, “I mean I’ve messed things up.”
“You mean fucked up,” Mick told her. “I know. You feel like no one gets you.”
“No one does,” Ashley said. “I don’t get myself. Everyone thinks I’m a stupid slut, and that’s because I’ve been a stupid slut. I’ll admit that. I feel like I belong on that corner. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.”
“Can I tell you something, Ashley?”
As they arrived on Michael Street, Ashley looked up across to her teacher.
“I saw these kids walking the street tonight, looking like thugs -- regular white trash-- and I thought, “That was me. Back in high school. Now, I’m no millionaire, you know? And I’m still in Jamnia. But because I want to be. And I like myself, and I can help people when they need help, and my life is together and it’s good and... you don’t have to be what people tell you you are... Or what you told yourself you were. If you don’t want to be.”
He turned the car into Logan Street and said, “Ah, here we are. The quiet little neighborhood.” He stopped the car at the head of the block where the Foster house was.
Ashley opened the door, pushed herself out, and said, “Thanks, Mr. Rafferty.”
“No problem, Ashley.”
Mick had to drive down the block before he could U-turn, and as he passed the Foster house he saw Luke Madeary walking away from it. Mick drove to the end of the block, u-turned, and then sped up until he was beside the boy and the dog. Both turned in the direction of the car, looking a little cautious.
“It’s me,” Mick rolled down the window
“Mr. Rafferty?” Luke’s collar was pushed up around his face. The dog trotted after him. “What are you doing here?”
“Playing Good Samaritan. Hop in.”
Luke rounded the car and Mick said, “Are you going to that factory.”
“No, sir,” Luke replied grinning at the tone of disapproval in his teacher’s voice. “I’m going to Cedric Fitzgerald’s house. That’s where I’m staying now.”
“Good,” Mick said. He was about to add, “Well then he’s the Samaritan,” but then that would have made Luke the bum on the side of the road.
Randomly, Old Coconut barked.
“Did you drop Ashley off?” Luke said. “She was coming my way.”
“Yeah,” Mick said after a second’s hesitation, wondering why he had hesitated. “Her ride never showed.” That wasn’t exactly true either. They were nearing 1959 Michael Street.
“Bone Mc.Arthur is not to be trusted,” Luke said.
“We were talking about plans for next year,” Mick said. “Not Bone and I. Me and Ashley.”
“Oh,” said Luke, scratching Old Coconut’s ears. “Everyone is talking about that.”
“What about you?”
“Me and Tina are both like... the only thing we wanna do is see Europe and... no money?” Luke shrugged. “So. There you go. The only reason we even want to go to Europe is cause it’s not Jamnia.”
“Well, here we are,” Mick said, looking at the large white house.
“Thanks a lot, sir.”
When Luke entered the darkened house, he remembered that Vaughan was at the monastery and Cedric was gone. He heard the moaning from up the stairs, and the sharp sounds of struggling, Next Rod’s tenor, strangling, resolving itself into the insistent masculine demand: “Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!” If he had forgotten no one would be at home, Madeline and Rodder had not.
He went to sleep in the room beneath Madeleine’s, to the sound of bed springs creaking.


I KEPT WANTING TO CALL her Ash,” Mick Rafferty was telling George Steare as they came in through the smoker’s porch the next morning. “Would that have been wrong?”
“It would have been completely wrong,” George told him.
“You know what would be even more wrong?” Mick said.
“I’m not sure I want to know.” They turned out of the lobby with the trophy cases to go down the main hallway, which was just starting to fill up with students.
“I wanted her to call me Mick.”
Suddenly Stearne turned around, fierce. But spoke quietly so that no student would hear him.
“You better be careful, Mick.”
“Geo, chill.”
“I’m serious,” Stearne said. “You keep messing around, having Ashley over to your apartment, and having fantasies where you all are sitting around talking about, ‘Oh, Ash! Oh, Mick!’ -- Or does she call you Michael?-- and it will all be over.”
“Nothing’s gonna happen with Ashley,” Mick said. “And besides, you’re running around buying beers in bars for Tina.”
“Martina Foster is a different type of young woman,” said Stearne. “And that was a one time, public gesture. Having Tina Foster to my apartment--”
“Will actually be perfectly legal in a few months.”
“You really think like that, don’t you?” Stearne said.
“No, Geo, I really don’t. I’m just playing man. Ease up.”
“I’m just looking out for you,” Stearne replied.

“You should have seen it,” Tina was going on to Vaughan at lunch. “It was the funniest thing. Ian and Kenzie standing there, arms crossed over their chests saying, “We’re very disappointed in you!” She made her voice sound like that of an old, pompous walrus.
“We did not sound like that,” Mackenzie said, about to cross his arms over his chest again, when he remembered this was exactly what his sister had accused him of doing.
“And the look Ian gave you, Roy!”
The other boy laughed.
“Believe it or not, I get concerned,” Ian said tersely.
“Oh, Vaughan,” Tina went on, “it was rich as hell.”
Vaughan rolled his eyes and said, “Sounds like One Hundred Twenty Days in Sodom meets The Brady Bunch.”
“Wha?” started Mackenzie, as Tina laughed even harder. Then he said, “From now on Vaughan, I wanna be in on all the shit you’re reading so that I can know when I’m being insulted, and I’m pretty sure, I’ve just been insulted.”
“The Marquis de Sade,” Vaughan supplied.
Mackenzie just stared at him.
Ian leaned in and said, “We should take a history course together next year.”
Mackenzie nodded.
Madeleine came and sat down at the table.
“We thought you were too good for us,” Tina said.
“Rodder and I were having a ‘private chat’ .” She made quote marks with her fingers.
“He’s looking pretty purposeful,” Vaughan said, watching the young man in his jeans and Starter jacket head out of the cafeteria. “Where do purposeful people go?”
“To hell,” Luke said.
They all turned and looked at him.
Luke shrugged.
“It just sounded like a cool answer,” he said.

Rodder bumped into Mick Rafferty who was coming out of the guidance office as he was going in.
“Sorry, Mr. Rafferty,” Rod smiled brightly. Then: “You look a little grown-up for guidance.”
“Is anyone too grown up for guidance?”
“You’ve been hanging around Mr. Stearne too long,” Rod said.
“I’ve just been looking at some international programs for students. You know?” Mick shook the pamphlets around.
“I’m looking for an art school.”
Mick raised an eyebrow as if to say, “You?”
Rod’s brow furrowed.
Mick chuckled: “Ah, the football face that won the championship!”
Rod laughed and said, “Did I look that mean?”
“In a word, yes. Art schools? Come on over here,” Mick said.
“Don’t you have a class?”
“In a few minutes. But this guidance counselor doesn’t know anything.“
“Maybe you should take over.”
“Maybe I’ve thought about it,” Mick gave the teenager a half smile. “Right there. That shelf. Those are all the high brow ones. Your Juliards and stuff are on the top. Then, below that, everything else.”
Rodder bit down on his bottom lip, and looked over the shelf, nodding.
“You alright, Rod?” Mick Rafferty inquired.
“Yeah, sir,” Rod answered.

“Blackjack!” Cedric shouted, and threw down the card.
“Shit!” Ida swore and Ralph shook his head, laying down his hand.
The doorbell rang.
“Vaughan!” Cedric shouted. “Vaughan!”
“I don’t think he’s here,” Ida said.
“He might be ignoring you,” Ralph suggested.
“I know, I would.”Ida stood up, pulled her wallet out of her back pocket, and forked over the money she had lost to her friend.
“Pleasure doing business with you.”
“Kiss my ass,” Ida returned as Cedric went down the hallway to answer the door.
“Rod!” Cedric said in surprise. “Madeleine’s not here.”
“Who is it!” Ida shouted.
“Rod!” Cedric shouted back.
“Bring him in for a drink!”
They both ignored her.
“I know she’s not here, sir,” Rod said. “That’s why I’m here. Can I talk to you a minute?”
“Cedric!” Ida shouted. “Rod!”
“Hold on, old woman!” Cedric shouted back.
Cedric led Rod down the hall and into the study. He flicked on the light and gesutred for Rod to enter.
Rodder opened up his Starter jacket and showed Cedric:
“An application to art school? This is real nice, Rod, but not your style and... “ Cedric frowned and looked up at the boy.
“Not your name either.”
“It’s a surprise. If it doesn’t work out, well then she doesn’t have to know, but if it does...” Rod said. “I have everything I need to send it in except -- ”
“You don’t have an application fee,” Cedric said, turning it over.
“I don’t care about that,” Rodder shooved the matter away with his hand.
“I do,” Cedric said, going to his desk. “I’m not having you send off applications for other people... especially if the other people is my daughter, and then also flip the bill yourself.
“Oh, please, Mr. Fitzgerald,” Rod said so firmly that Cedric looked up at him in earnest. “I want to do this. I just need.... “
“Her grades? Her records?”
“Yeah.”
Cedric smiled and said, “She’s a lucky one. I’ll tell you that Roderigo Luis. My daughter’s a lucky one.”

“Hey Kenzie, take a peak at this,” Derrick Todd said that night when he was over at the house. “Against your sister’s wishes I thought you should have a look at this.”
“Whaddo you mean against my wishes,” Lindsay said petulantly. “I was just pretending.”
“What is it?” Mackenzie took up the list of paper.
“It’s the invite list for everyone who’s anyone to the party of the year?”
Ian raised an eyebrow from where he sat beside Mackenzie. ”Am I on it?”
Derrick turned red and said, “by association. It’s sort of a given.”
“Actually,” Lindsay said. ”There are certain people we assumed wouldn’t want to be on it.”
“Oh,” Ian said. “Then you were right to count me out.”
“Am I on it?” Tina smiled prettily.
“No,” Lindsay said.
“Then it seems like everyone who’s no one to me,” she said.
“I meant everyone whose anyone in the junior and sophomore class,” Derrick amended.
“You got some people crossed out on this list,” Mackenzie noticed.
“Some of them were cool, but they had issues,” Derrick said.
“Like Jaime Tolliver. What’s wrong with him?”
“God, Mackenzie wake up!” Lindsay stood up. “He’s the head of the Gay Student Union.”
“Yeah,” Derrick said. “This is Jamnia. No faggots at my party.”
“I think you need to leave,” Tina said suddenly.
“What?” Derrick said.
“You can’t throw my -- ”Lindsay started.
“You need to leave,” Tina said again. “It’s no assholes at my house.”



Lindsay tried to stop him, but Derrick Todd stopped at the corner table of the cafeteria the next day while the two of them were leaving.
“Tina,” he said. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for whatever I said.”
“Whatever?” Tina said. Turning to Vaughan, she rolled her eyes and said, “Welcome to the Midwest!”
“I don’t get it,” Derrick said, looking around, honestly clueless.
“Todd,” Vaughan said. “You might as well plan a party, say no niggers allowed, and then shrug and say you don’t get it.”
“I--” Derrick started. “I would never call anyone that. And I’m not like that.”
“But you would call people faggots?” Tina said.
“Look,” Derrick threw up his hands. “Social lesson learned. “No more fags. I won’t say fags. What’s the big deal?”
Suddenly Mackenzie said, “The big deal is I’m gay.”
“What?” snapped Lindsay.
Rodder, who had been left out all this time, only cocked his head the same as Derrick.
Finally Derick said, “Mackenzie, did you just say --? ”
“I said I’m gay,” Mackenzie repeated. “It’s none of your business. But there! It’s all out and loud and all over the place.”
“God, this can’t be happening,” Lindsay said. “You are not gay.”
“Yes I am!”
“You’re not!”
“And I’m his boyfriend,” Ian added.
“What?” Rodder’s eyes rolled.
Lindsay smacked Ian across the face, and Ian hopped out of his chair followed by Roy. Derrick stood between them and Lindsay.
“What’s going on?” Ashley came over. “I try to pretend we’re not related, but you all are acting ridiculous.”
Ross had seen two fellow football players and three of his siblings and came over too.
“Mackenzie’s saying stupid things,” Lindsay told them. The circle was getting wider.
“The only one who’s saying stupid things is you,” Mackenzie said.
“Take it back. Take back everything you just said!” his twin shouted.
“Don’t take back a goddamned thing!” Ian shouted.
“You shut up!”
“I’ll smack you back this time, bitch!”
“I’ll join him,” Vaughan said in a low voice.
“Guys, let’s calm down,” Rod said, trying to moderate, but it was the presence of Stearne coming toward them, accompanied by a lunch monitor that succeeded in this.
Ross broke the silence by saying: “Guys, someone please tell me what’s going on.”
Mackenzie turned to his brother and said, “Ross, I’m gay is what’s going on.”
Everyone remained quiet.
Ashley threw back her head and laughed.
“Holy shit!” she murmured, and shook her head.

As Vaughan, Mackenzie and Ian went down the hall, Mackenzie said, “Can you feel them pointing at us?”
“Burning right into my scalp,” Ian replied.
“Vaughan,” Mackenzie said, turning to his friend as they neared his locker, “you don’t have to deal with this. I mean, they’ll probably think you’re gay and -- ”
“And what? Someone has already taken great care to write FAGGOT across my locker, ” Vaughan muttered. “Besides, who the hell else am I gonna hang out with?”
“This shit isn’t fair to you,” Mackenzie told his friend.
Vaughan frowned sourly. “Fuck fair. What’s fair got to do with anything?”
They almost collided with Matt Abelard and Jaime Tolliver, himself, head of the Gay Student Union.
“Scuse me!” Mackenzie said.
Tolliver looked at Mackenzie. He looked at Ian.
“Is it true?” he said.
Mackenzie nodded.
“You?” he said to Vaughan.
“Sorry,” Vaughan shrugged.
“That’s alright,” he grinned back. “Everyone can’t be.”
“I’ll be an honorary homosexual if I don’t have to pay membership fees,” Vaughan offered.
Jaime Tolliver smiled. “My people’ll definitely talk to your people. Anyway, don’t worry. I got you guys’s backs. If that counts for anything.”
Mackenzie looked around the hall. He felt, though he was probably wrong, that everyone was looking back at him.
“It counts for a lot right now,” he said.

It did not take long for things to spread. Before the end of the day there were pink triangle post-its pasted to Ian and Vaughan and Mackenzie’s lockers. Ian saw his first, and was about to rip them off and swear when he realized they had been put there by the Gay and Lesbian Student Union.
“It’s their welcome sign,” Vaughan said placidly. Lockers were alphabetically assigned -- only the freshmen and seniors had separate locker areas-- so the boys were all more or less together. “Well, look,” Vaughan took a post it off of his locker. “Janey Watkins writes to say hi. I always liked her. Never knew she was bi though,” he murmured. “Whaddo yours say?”
“Vaughan,” Mackenzie said. “This is silly, and it’s dangerous.”
“Mackenzie, relax.” Vaughan said.
“Vaughan is one of those rare people,” Ian said, “that doesn’t care what people say about him.” He was flipping over a piece of paper scribbled on by Michael Radcliffe, the guy with the drooping lip from band who always talked about masturbation.
“Like you?” said Mackenzie.
“I care,” Ian said. “I just try not to look like it.”


Jane MacDonald, who had spent the year popping up next to Mackenzie and hitting on him as much as possible, sidled up to him after sixth period and said, “Is it true?”
Mackenzie looked down at her and said, “If what you’re talking about is what I think you’re talking about then, yeah... It’s true.”
Jane was quiet for a second, and then she said, “Oh,” and walked away.

On the porch steps, Lindsay had not only bothered to talk to her sister for once, but chose to argue with her. Tina and Lindsay were going back and forth, Tina leaning against the wall, her black hair falling straight behind her, blowing out smoke while Lindsay railed on and on. Luke stood, bored, beside Tina. Derrick looked anxious.
A couple of burnouts came out to light up, and one said, “Hey, Fosters? Is it hereditary?”
“I don’t know what you mean, Arthur,” Tina said to Snake. “But I’m surprised you could even get the word hereditary out of your mouth.”
“I mean,” Snake Roberts, formerly called Arthur, expanded, “Your dad’s pretty sweet too. He tried to cup my ass back in gym class two years ago.”
“You’re a liar!” Lindsay snapped. But Tina just said, “You should have said yes. My mother assures me he’s the fuck of the century.”
“Maybe you should try him yourself,” said Snake. “Or are you two a bunch of dykes?”
Tina was surprised to see not only Derrick’s hand ball into a fist and move for Snake, but Luke move too.
She shook her head at both of them. Quietly, she stepped in front of Derrick.
“Yeah, I’m a dyke,” Tina said. “I would have answered sooner except I was still trying to get the last of your mother’s pussy hair from between my teeth.”
“Shit man, she burnt you!” Rand Mc.Gafferty tittered and high fived another one of Snake’s burnout friends.
“She talked about your mama,” another burnout said.
Snake blenched.
“You leave my mother out of this.”
“I can’t even remember your mama’s name,” Tina said. “Of course she wasn’t up for much conversation. Neither was I. My mouth was full.”
“I’m warning you!”
Derrick looked very serious for once. He loomed over Snake and said, “I think you’d better go now.”
Snake’s eyes went beady and he stared up at Derrick who stared down at him. Then another burnout said, “Come on, man. Fuck this. It’s not worth it.”
When they left, Tina said to Derrick, “How did you do that?”
He shrugged and said, modestly, “it’s an old football trick. For pipsqueaks such as myself.”
“Against my will,” Luke told him, “I’m starting to like you, man.”

By the end of gym class, Kevin had heard enough rumors, and when someone had called Roy a faggot, “just like his cousin,” and Kevin had stopped a fight, he really began wondering. He paced around the gymnasium in his jogging suit, waiting for Roy to finish dressing.
“Roy,” he called the gangly boy over when he had come upstairs from the locker room.
Roy looked a little nervous, which wasn’t like him. He’d started to warm up since being around Ryan. The boy came toward him.
“Can I ask you a question, Roy?”
“Yes,” Roy ducked his head.
“It’s about... There are rumors. Ah...”
“Sir,” Roy surprised Kevin. “People shouldn’t pay attention to rumors.”
Kevin cocked his head and looked surprised.
“Am I right, sir?” Roy said. “I don’t even know who my dad is, and I used to hear rumors. But... I started to grow up. It’s not right, playing with rumors. Is it?”
Kevin was dumbfounded on several accounts, and said, “Well, no Roy. I guess it’s not.”
Roy nodded sharply. Then he turned his blue gaze away from Kevin, and was gone.


Mackenzie was glad the day was over. He could not be like Vaughan, who seemed to ride on the tides of infamy. He was exhausted. He wanted to be plain Mackenzie, though he was acutely aware that he had brought this on himself. He and his two friends, backpacks strapped on, were plodding down the hall into the main lobby, and out of the entrance on Michael Street as he thought, I was the one who proclaimed it on the roof tops, or, at least, the table tops of the cafeteria. He wondered if it was too late to turn back. Why should he?
“Why should I?” Mackenzie said out loud.
“What?” Ian turned to him.
“Nothing,” Mackenzie shook his head.
“Why should you, indeed!” Vaughan murmured, reaching for his cigarettes.
As they were heading down Michael Street, toward the Fitzgerald house, Derrick Todd’s Mustang stopped.
They came near it. He rolled down the windows. Lindsay, in the passenger seat, was trying her best to ignore them.
“I wanted to know if you guys would still come to my party?” Derrick said. “It’ll be cooler now. I mean, I really want you all. The theme now is “No Losers”. “No Assholes who say Dumb Things”. If you’re up to it?”
Vaughan looked at Mackenzie, who nodded.
“Yeah,” Mackenzie said. “That’ll be cool.”
Derrick made a gun out of his right hand, fired, and said, “See ya there, then.”
Ian leaned into the car and said, repeated Derrick’s gesture and, winking, said, “See ya, Lindsay.”
She glared at him. He just smiled.
The car drove off.
“I’m starting to like that guy,” Vaughan confessed.
When they were within ten feet of the white house, Bone Mc.Arthur’s car was the next to stop, but it was Ashley who spoke, leaning over the football player.
“So, Kenzie, is it real?” Ash demanded. Bone didn’t bother to look at anyone. He just looked tiredly ahead at the street.
“Yeah,” he said.
She gave him a half mocking smile, and then said, “Welcome to the world of the outcasts, baby brother.” To Bone she said: “Drive.”
And the car roared away.


THERE WAS NOTHING PARTICULARLY “GAY” about Jaime Tolliver. He was no nonsense and always cut to the chase. He actually would have made a good twin for Mackenzie. They shopped out of the same stores, and had the same square haircut and dry sense of humor. He sat across the table from Mackenzie, Ian, and Vaughan in the Fitzgerald house where he’d heard he could find them, and described himself, with a small smile, as a very non-practicing, non-denominational Christian who was the child of non-practicing Pentecostals.
“We don’t hang around the rest of the family very often,” he said in his Midwestern nasal, and then switched off into a Southern drawl, and wailed, “ ‘Merciful Fawthur, we just wanna thank you and give you the glawry, and we now prah fer all the Sawdummites who ere destined to the eternal fars of hail damnation.’ They can pronounce damnation. That’s the one word they can pronounce.” His smile was fierce.
“Man, God is pink!” declared Jaime’s foil. Once again, Jaime looked at J.D. Amasson, who called himself J.D. Amateur, and vowed that there was no way this queen would ever be president of the Gay and Lesbian Student Union. Jaime was thinking ahead to his graduation next year, and thinking how good it would be if Mackenzie could take over.
“If God was pink,” Jaime said, witheringly, “we wouldn’t need to have a Gay and Lesbian Student Union.”
“We just came over to say, ‘Hey,’ ” Jaime said. “And you don’t have to join anything, but we meet on Wednesdays at about four.” Jaime gestured vaguely out of the kitchen window, “at the school.”
“How come yawl didn’t come out till today?” Amateur said. He cocked his head at Vaughan, “Are you single?”
“Vaughan’s straight,” Ian said.
“Shit. I thought maybe you all might be into... You know?”
“No,” Mackenzie replied, politely, “I’m afraid we don’t know.”
“Three ways.” Amateur said.
Vaughan coughed on his water, but Ian merely answered, “I’m afraid we’re not,” and smiled.
“And we were ‘out’ ,” Mackenzie said, “to the people who counted.”
Jaime’s eyebrows raised.
“I don’t see that what goes on in my bedroom needs to be broadcasted to the whole school,” Mackenzie went on.
“But when it’s politics -- ” Jaime started.
“When’s it politics?” Mackenzie said. “When’s my love life politics?”
“When it’s your whole life, and you could be killed or worse, maybe, for it.”
“Worse?” J.D. said, the light in the kitchen glinted on his double earring.
“Being Black isn’t political, “Jaime said, gesturing with an open hand to Vaughan, “but when you live in Alabama, or even good old Ohio, and can’t go to vote, could get lynched -- then it’s political. Sex isn’t political. It’s personal, it’s in the dark, but when a Black man could get killed for being with a white woman, when they couldn’t marry, then it was political. And it’s political now. It’s the same thing with us, so it is your duty to come out,” Jaime said.
“I don’t know if I agree with all that,” Ian murmured, sitting back.
“No,” Jaime said, sounding fevered. Then he sighed. “Sorry. This isn’t even my house. I just... I have feelings about this.”
Amateur rolled his eyes, “Tell Rich Tafel over here we all have feelings.”
“I wish I was Rich Tafel,” Jaime said. “That man is-- ”
“Hot--” Mackenzie finished.
Ian and Vaughan looked at him.
Mackenzie colored, and turned to Jaime for confirmation.
“I think he’s very hot,” Jaime Tolliver said.

Amateur left at around four, but Jaime stayed until nearly supper. Despite Cedric’s enticements of biscuit chicken quiche, he said he had to be home, and the phone rang as he was leaving.
He was out the door when Vaughan came with the cordless and handed it ot Mackenzie.
“Are you all everywhere?” Vaughan wondered.
“Wha?” Mackenzie said to his friend. “Hello. Wha? Simon! It’s Simon. What’s up?”
Simon told him how he had called the Fosters and Tina -- who was cool -- picked up and gave him this number, then told him to ask about the whole day. When he had asked Mackenzie told him.
“You know what?” Simon said. “I sort of envy that.”
“That the whole school knows me as gay Mackenzie now.”
“Yeah. I mean,” said Simon, “at least the whole school knows you’re Ian’s. No one at Willoughby knows Drew is mine.”
“I see what you mean,” Mackenzie said, his brow furrowing.

“In a minute, George!” Mick Rafferty shouted to the knock on the door, but when he opened it and looked out into the hallway it was: “Ashley?”
“Hello, Mr.Rafferty.”
“Ashley, what are doing here? It’s Friday.”
“I just came to say hello,” she said. “I’ve got the car. I’ve got Tina’s car tonight, and I just came by to say hello and thank you for everything.”
Mick was about to say, “This is inappropriate,” but he didn’t really want to be appropriate, and that would have probably hurt Ashley. So he said, “You didn’t have to do that. Come all the way over here.”
“Well,” Ashley smiled simply, and nodded her head, “I wanted to. To let you know I appreciated you. And I thought that maybe-- ”
“Mick,” she heard a voice behind her, and turned around.
It was Stearne, looking as wary as ever, with that evil little goatee.
“Ms. Foster,” he greeted her.
“Mr. Stearne,” Ashley felt herself cooling. Mick realized his hard - on was wilting, which meant he realized he’d had a hard - on in the first place.
“Ashley just came by to say hi and thank me,” Mick told Stearne, sounding a little too breathy and jovial to his own ears.
Stearne just continued to stare at Ashley.
“I’ll be going, now.” Ashley said.
“Goo’night, Ash,” Mick said.
“Goodnight, Ms. Foster,” said Stearne.
Ashley took a brief moment to give George Stearne an incredibly nasty smile as she pulled her hand through her hair, and then she said, “Goodnight, sirs,” and strutted down the hallway.

Ashley got in the car and drove three blocks north to Bellamy Street. People could call it a ghetto if they wanted to, but it wasn’t any worse than any other section of Jamnia. Well, maybe a little worse. Some of the houses had couches and Lazy Boys sitting on the porch. Some of the porches were collapsing. There were more than a few cars on cinderblocks.
“Bellamy and Junction Street,” Ashley remembered her grandfather saying before he died, “Niggers and hillbillies all living together in contented peace, and munching on collard greens.”
Colonel had not been pleased by the arrangement.
Ashley parked her car in front of a little peach painted house that someone had added too many dormer windows onto in the hopes of making cute. The gutters were falling, and needed to be repainted. Someone should have thought of that.
She knocked on the door.
A Black woman who looked like she was about to call Ashley every kind of bitch in the world answered and said, “Can I help you?’ It sounded more like a challenge than anything else.
For not the first time Ashley wondered why Black women had to be such bitches and said, “Is Hakim home?”
His mother cocked her head, narrowed her eyes, but said, “Um hum. Come on in. You lettin’ all the heat out.”

“George, what’s wrong?” Mick said, putting his beer mug down.
“Nothing’s wrong,” he said.
“You need to talk to me. If you don’t talk to anyone else, talk to me. I swear. Nothing’s happening with Ashley.”
“Do you want it to?”
“George, that’s silly.”
“No it isn’t,” George said, sadly, looking not put together and professional, but like a small twenty-four year old who had spent the bulk of his life in Lawrence County, Ohio.
“Do you want something to happen?” Stearne asked him, “because if you want it to, that’s half the people needed for an affair. And really, Mick, it’s not about you. Sometimes I’m not just thinking about you. I’ve got...” He turned back to his beer. “I’ve got shit on my mind.”
“If you don’t want to talk about it.”
George shook his head and said, toward the mirror behind the bar, “No, Mick. I do not want to talk about it. Not now.”

Hakim grunted one last time, and then pumped three times quickly, jackhammering her until he groaned and his body arched as he shot. Her thighs rode his waist. Her ass was cold on the porcelain of the sink.
For a few seconds, the big basketball player leaned into her, his head on her shoulder, and then he pulled out. For a moment she saw his penis which was big and black with a purple head. She saw the ebony hips she had straddled with their ass dimples. Then they were gone in his underwear and jeans.
She had barely redressed herself when he put out his hand and said, “come on.” Out in the living room of Jerone’s apartment, the television was loud as hell, and she could smell a blunt burning.
“Thanks, dog,” she heard Hakim say.
“Sho, no thang,” Jerone sad. He needed a haircut. Ashley was sorry to say that the Afro would never be back in style. Jerone’s eyes lingered over her, leering. She wanted to smack him. She wanted to fuck him. Either thing would show him, though she wasn’t sure what she was tring to show.
Ashley dropped Hakim back off at his house. They had not talked. Okay, so she knew what she was trying to show, that she had power. There was a power in reducing a man to a stud bull. There was a defeated look in his eyes if it was someone she hated. And she admitted now as she turned onto Main Street, she had fucked men just because she hated them. But she had wanted more tonight. She had wanted... Well, she hadn’t wanted to be ghetto fucked, which is what she had been. And she hadn’t wanted to know that she’d probably be all too compliant in doing it again.

“When’s the last time?” Mick said.
“Hum?”
Both of George Stearne’s eyebrows raised as they were coming back to Mick’s apartment.
“You know,” Mick said. “The last time you... You know?”
“Oh, my God, Mick!” George grinned.
“Unless you were going to tell me you never....”
“You know better than that,” George said. “It’s been... a while. I’ve sort of fallen into the identity of the sexless schoolteacher. Why?”
“I don’t know,” Mick said. “Just, sometimes I actually forget I haven’t... been having sex. And then it’s like, ‘My God, how long has it been!’ It’s almost a crime.”
George Stearne followed Mick up the stairs.
“Something tells me it’s probably not a crime,” Stearne said. “Not to have sex.”
“You ever been tempted by a student?”
“God, man!”
“I think you like Ashley.”
Stearne laughed so hard, Mick knew he was wrong.
“But you do like a student?” he pressed on.
“Mick, this isn’t junior high, man. You don’t go around ‘liking people’.” He made quote marks with his fingers as they re - entered the apartment.
“Okay, then. Is there a student you want to throw on a desktop and do?”
“No,” Stearne said shortly. “And if we’re gonna have this conversation, please tell me where you put your Scotch.”
“Under the island.”
“Osco brand,” Stearne commented from the kitchen. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Mick talked over himself pissing into the toilet.
“So, there is no student you... admire?”
The toilet flushed, Mick washed his hands. When Stearne still hadn’t answered, Mick came out grinning.
“There is someone?”
George Stearne grinned back. “I’m thinking. I’m thinking. And... it could never happen anyway.”
“You know what they say,” Mick told him. “Once they’re eighteen, it’s legal.”

In the kitchen on 1959 Michael Street, Ida, between Ralph and Cedric, looked from Ian to Mackenzie to Tina. Vaughan had just come back into the kitchen.
“Well, say something, Grandma,” Tina said.
As Ida fumbled in her crushed pack of cigarettes, she said, “I’m trying to think of something that won’t sound completely stupid. Does your Ma know?” she said to Mackenzie.
Mackenzie ducked his head.
“Well, don’t duck your head, boy,” Ida said, not unkindly, as she lit her cigarette. She repeated: “Does your ma know?”
“No, ma’am,” Mackenzie said.
“Are you gonna tell her?” Tina said.
Tina gave her granddaughter a look that had, “Idiot!’” written all over it.
Mackenzie sighed and said, “Thank God! I don’t know if I’m ready for Mom and Dad.”
“Well, everyone at the house knows,” Ida said. “And everyone at your school, and your father works at the school. Kevin’s not that stupid. I’m sure he’ll find out before long.”
Mackenzie looked sort of bleak. His grandmother put a hand over his. “Relax. I have enough on your mom and dad that as long as I’m alive, they’d better not get pissed with one of their kids.”:
“And you?” she said to Ian.
The spiky haired boy raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t need to ask if your family knows. I’ve lived in this town alsost sixty years. The Canes don’t know,” she said, shaking her head and blowing out smoke.
“Well, that’s it. I’m finished with you. You kids should be getting to your little party.”
When they had left with kisses and nods and goodbyes, and it was just the elders, Ida shook her head.
“Shit sure has changed. And it’s not just Kenzie. It’s everything,” she said to Ralph and Cedric. “Isn’t it?”


SPRING DID NOT WANT TO be kept waiting. As soon as the first week of March rolled around, ice turned to rain, and grey snow gave way to the grass underneath. The trees were black and bare still, but there was a young beauty to them. It was unseasonably warm the Friday night of the party when the Todds would be out of town, leaving Derrick with the house to himself.
“My little brother’s staying with friends tonight,” Derrick told everyone. He only told a few people that he’d paid Aidan off to stay with friends. Derrick’s other brother was in college.
“This will be a party to remember,” he declared.
Lindsay had her doubts, but Derrick was used to her having doubts all the time.

This week there had only been a few fag name callings. The major drama had actually happened in the Gay and Lesbian Student Union. Vaughan had heard of it. He didn’t come because he didn’t believe in committees.
“You know what I’m learning?” Mackenzie said.
“Pray tell?”
“We don’t get along,”
“People in general. Or gay people?”
“I meant gay people,” Mackenzie said. “And I know Ian doesn’t want to come to the meetings. He’s not like anyone else there. Come to think of it, neither am I. Actually, no one’s really like anyone else except for J.D. and that crowd.”
“I don’t like Amateur,” Vaughan said frankly.
“I just thought that, you know, we would all be united.”
“Gay unity?” Vaughan said. “Like Black unity?”
“Yeah.”
“Why do you think me and Madeleine never go to the Afro-American Club meetings?” he said simply.

Ashley had resigned herself to Hakim. She did not want to spend her life with Bone Mc.Arthur. She was dating him, but not really. And he was jealous, and had to be coddled. And he wasn’t enough. So when she was finished with him or vice versa, she’d turn to Hakim who had nothing but a five minute fuck with his head turned in the other direction to offer. It was usually in the bathroom of a friend’s house. Last night it had been on his floor before his mother came home. As she was driving back across town to the house on Logan Street, Ashley tried to count how many guys she’d been with since her first sexual experience. When she lost count around her sixteenth birthday, she gave up on the enterprise.
On her way home she passed the brick apartment building where Mr. Rafferty lived. The light was on. For just a moment she saw into it it before the red light turned green, and she had to go past the bus depot. He was a kind man. He was sweet and handsome when he smiled. She’d let him in. She thought if he ever came inside of her, he could change everything.
But maybe it was the sweet people it was best to stay away from. They had all these complex emotions, and they only got pissed off at you, or embarrassed after being with you. Then they wouldn’t even look at a girl. Rodder never looked at her. Bone regarded her the same as ever. Hakim seemed to forget he’d fucked her. Until he wanted some again. For Ashley, this was the easiest.

“Kenzie! Vaughan!” Derrick Todd flagged them down.
Mackenzie turned around.
“Don’t forget. Starts at eight.”
“Which means we shouldn’t arrive until at least ten,” Vaughan said.
“For someone who never bothered with the social scene you’re pretty savvy, Fitzgerald,” Derrick said, chomping his gum. “But someone has to be unfashionably early or no one’ll come.”
“And your self esteem’ll wither?” Ian said in a voice of mock pity, shutting his locker and grinning.
Derrick turned him a surpisingly arch look and said, “Soemthing like that.”


The Todds lived in the web of secluded streets that hung from the south end of the city, the new houses in winding cul de sacs with new born trees way out west of Country Club Road-- yes, that was actually it’s name-- that shot south through farm fields, then past the Red Barn.
“Very nice, Todd,” Vaughan said, walking into the house and looking around the foyer. He and Ian and Mackenzie were among the first to arrive. There were the usual suspects. Dice Mc.Cafferty along with Bone Mc.Arthur. Rodder and Luke showed up with Madeleine and Tina after their Friday night gig in Belmont. Derrick made much of Tina, and Lindsay sulked in disgust. Her friends from band, Jane Bradshaw and Kristina Meriwether, were there. And the Carmel sisters, Judy Lynn and Rana Jay were there from the Color Guard. In high school where skinny was everything they were called the Fat Sisters, and could not compete with the likes of Stephanie Tyler and Fawn Alexander or Joanne Furlow: cheerleaders. And they knew it. So they ate their hearts out, and then they sat near the refreshment table and just ate.
Some came to the party whom Vaughan did not expect. Hakim Woodsome showed up with Claudia on his shoulder.
“Madeleine, Girl,” Claudia told her cousin, “I finally got Hakim in line. I told him I’m not giving him any, and he said he was fine with that.”
“Well,” Madeleine said, shrugging, “just make sure he isn’t getting it somewhere else.”
“The problem with you, Madeleine,“ Claudia told her cousin, “is that you think if you don’t give it he won’t stay.”
Madeleine blew smoke out of her nostrils, and looked in the direction of Rodder, who was standing with his hands in his pockets, talking earnestly to a circle of guys.
“I don’t give it to keep him. I give it cause I like to get it.” she said.
Vaughan remarked that the odd thing was that at the Fitzgerald house you’d almost never hear R&B music made after 1975, and at Derrick’s house the stereo thumped from R.Kelly to Aaliyah to Mary J. Blige as the house filled up with guests.
“I hate to say this,” Luke shouted over the music as he and Tina tried to dance, “but I almost think your grandma’s house is cooler.”
Tina was about to reply when Derrick popped up and stuck a long neck bottle in Luke’s hand, and another in Tina’s. She winked at him, and then leaned in close to whisper to Luke, “But grandma’s not handing out tallboys. Relax, I’m starting to like Todd.”


Come on everybody get on up
cause you know we gots to get it crunk
Mary J. is in the spot tonight
as I’ma make it feel alright

(make it alright)

Come on baby just party with me
let loose and set your body free
leave your situations at the door
so when you step inside
jump
on
the floor...



Mackenzie ran out and grabbed Vaughan, pulling him out among the dancers, “Come on! Do you mind?” he asked Ian.
Smacking his gum, Ian smiled at Vaughan and said, “Not if you don’t. But I get the next dance.”
“I’ll be ready,” Mackenzie said.
“Not you,” Ian grinned and pointed at Vaughan.
“Tonight, my friend, you’re going to make a name for yourself,” Mackenzie said.
“And that name,” Vaughan intoned, “is ‘fag’ “
“Fag hag,” Mackenzie commented, moving out onto the floor.
“do they have male fag hags.”
“You. Come on, we can dance better than any of these clowns.”

it’s only gonna be a matter of time
before you get lose
and start to lose your mind
cop you a drink
go ahead and rock your ice
cause we celebrating
no more drama
in our lives

with a great track pumpin’
everybody’s jumpin’
go ahead and twist your back
and get your body bumpin’
I told you-- leave your situations at the door
SO GRAB SOMEBODY AND GET YOUR ASS ON THE DANCE FLOOR !



Vaughan was right. They could dance better than the rest of those clowns. Vaughan and Mackenzie had been born dancing. Vaughan danced whenever he walked. All of Vaughan’s gestures were smooth in fluid. When Mackenzie was on the football field as a kid, he danced through touchdowns. He danced through his part on stage this year. Now he moved lithe as ever on the floor, uninhibited.
Vaughan marveled, “You’re white. I should have known you had too much rhythm to be straight!”
“I don’t know how to take that,” Mackenzie said.
“Take it as a compliment.” The two of them matched steps, moved in perfect rhythm, “You’re much too cool for the straight world.”


When Jaime Tolliver showed up, one of the cheerleaders said, “I used to think he was so hot.”
“He still is,” replied Teresa Somerhale. “He’s just gay.”
Jaime made a bee line for Vaughan, Ian and Mackenzie, and he told Vaughan, “I’m afraid I’m about to kill your hypothesis because I have absolutely no rhythm.”
Things remained more or less sane until around midnight when J.D. Amateur showed up.
“This is when things are going to get bad,” Jaime predicted.
From the first minute when people began to bristle, and Bone Mc.Arthur, beside Ashley, said, “What’s he doing here?” they could tell things were probably going to escalate. J.D. had come to be camp as hell and scare the shit out of the blessedly straight.
Meanwhile Tina and Luke, who were straight, but not blessed, and not particularly impressed, wandered toward Mackenzie.
“Have you seen Ross?” Tina said over the music.
Mackenzie shook his head.
Tina and Luke went, followed by Mackenzie, who lifted a finger to tell his friends he’d be right back. They threaded through the crowds until Tina found Lindsay and Derrick.
“I think I saw him with DeeDee Strahorne.”
Tina raised an eyebrow at Derrick, and was heading up the stairs. Ashley and Bone were making out at the top of the stairs, and they looked up when the three others reached them.
“Ash, where’s Ross?”
Bone shot his thumb in the direction of a closed door next to the bathroom.
Tina moved forward. Ashley said, “What’s wrong? He’s gotta do it sometime. Kenzie over here never will.”
“Firstly,“ Tina said calmly, “you are stupid. Secondly, you are a whore. And thirdly you are a stupid whore. All of this aside, I’m going to get my brother.”
Mackenzie put up a hand, walking over Ashley and Bone to open the door.
Ross’s pants and underwear were down around his knees, and his bare ass was exposed when he looked up. Dee Dee Strahorne had been helping Ross pull up her skirt and panties. and a Durex was on the bed.
“Why don’t you leave?” Mackenzie to DeeDee.
She opened her mouth.
“Now,” he said, and smiled calmly.
DeeDee pulled down her skirt, and walked out with as much dignity as possible while Ross, trembling, dressed, and Mackenzie, closing the door with his back muttered after DeeDee, “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.”
“Who the hell do you think you are?” Ross demanded. The music from downstairs was thumping beneath them and into the walls.
“I’m your brother.”
“Fine time to act like one. You didn’t think about being my brother, you didn’t think about the shit I’d have to live with -- your running around telling the whole world you’re a fag. That’s right I said a fag, Kenzie! Between the three of us -- Ryan’s a nut-- ”
“Ryan is not-=-”
“You’re a fucking queer. One of the Foster brothers better get some pussy.”
“So this is... “ Mackenzie looked amused, hell, was amused, “family duty?”
“Oh, don’t get all high with me,” Ross did not see the humor in any of this. He wanted to knock that cute look off of his brother’s face. “Move. Move!” he told his Mackenzie, whose back was still to the door.
Mackenzie shrugged, and moved. Ross went out of the hall.
“I don’t get you,” Ross said, sourly.
“I’m looking out for you.”
“If I was sucking someone’s dick I bet you’d be all for it,” Ross said.
“You’re fourteen.” Mackenzie hissed.
“And you’re fag!” Ross shouted, which was the same time that Luke at the head of the stairs, along with Tina, was about to hop in the general direction of anyone who called Mackenzie a faggot, and the same time that they heard someone shout “Fag,” downstairs. Then there was a general roaring and shouting that rose above the music.
They all looked at each other for confirmation, Ross not included, and then headed down the steps into what looked like hell.
Out of the blacklight and loud music came the voice of Rick Shaker shouting off names like, “J.D. Amateur! That fruit Tolliver! Ian Fucking Cane!...” half the band... Vaughan heard his name, and Tina’s.
“Fucking queers!”
And Rick’s vent had given way to other vents, and other denunciations. Tina’s name popped up again along with Roy’s and again with Ian’s. Then Luke, and then all the burnouts were fags. Derrick’s eyes roved around the house, terrified. Things were out of control, and he was desperately trying to find out what to do. Before someone got killed. Or, worse, before someone broke something that belonged to his parents.
“Do something,” Lindsay hissed, clinging to him.
Before Rodder was about to go and deck Rick, the music stopped and suddenly the lights went on.
“Excuse me! Excuse me!” They all turned around to see Derrick in his chinos and dress shirt, trying to control the trembling in his voice.
“Excuse me, everyone. I would... I would like to take a poll, quickly. I don’t want a fight. Just give me a second. Please.”
The room grew quiet. Derrick spoke again.
“Thank you. Now.... Everyone who has a problem with J.D. or Jaime or Mackenzie or Ian or Vaughan or whoever being here.... Anyone who has a problem with gay people or green people or polka dot people or people who.... just aren’t cool enough… please raise your hand.”
Rick’s was the first up. Ross’s was quick to follow suit. Tina called him a shit, and smacked squarely on the back of the head. Hands began to go up, and Derrick began to smile. And when Lindsay saw that her boyfriend was smiling, she put her hand up in the air too because she knew that something right was finally going to be done.
“Alright,” Derrick said, warming up. “That’s right. Now let’s just separate so I can make this quick. All of you... people like me... Move to the right, near the kegs.”
He waited while this happened. Vaughan, Tina, and Luke waited, looking at Mackenzie and Ian, wondering what was about to happen.
“Okay,” Derrick said, his voice gaining confidence. He was about to grin. He turned to them. “Alright, my friends. I hear you. Us to the right,” Derrick gestured to everyone near the kegs. “Fags and miscellaneous to the left.”
Jaime was about to say something when Mackenzie touched his shoulder, and shook his head.
“Now, my friends,” Derrick turned to the right, “if you notice, right near the keg is this thing that opens and shuts. It’s called the front door. Acquaint yourselves with it. Now.”
Suddenly everyone looked up at him, and Tina started to cackle while Vaughan caught his breath. Jaime chuckled into his hand.
“Now,” Derrick repeated.
“I‘m your girlfriend!” Lindsay shouted, coming toward him.
“I’m sorry,” he told her. “I’m obviously not cool enough for you.”
Lindsay stood, bristling. Then she said, “I hate you, Derrick Todd.”
He shrugged.
Rick Shaker had already said, “Fuck this,” and left. Lindsay was one of the last to go from that self appointed group.
Derrick stood on the little table, looking oddly defeated and drained as outside cars began to vroom into action.
When Bone Mc.Arthur said, “At least they left the beer.”
It was then that Tina realized that Bone and Dice and Ashley had not gone with the others. The house was still remarkably full. Ashley caught the look on her sister’s face, and she said, indignantly, “Fags and miscellaneous make up my family. I might not like you, but I’d be a bitch if I didn’t stick by you.”
Tina gave her sister an impressed grin, and Luke marveled, “You two really are twins.”
Bone and Dice moved toward the kegs, Rodder patted Derrick on the back.
Mackenzie came near him, followed by Jaime. It was time to say thanks.
“Bullshit,” Derrick said. “It’s my fault. If I hadn’t said what I said in your house, Kenzie, none of this would have happened.”
“So maybe it’s best that you did say it?” Mackenzie shrugged.
Derrick shrugged in return, still looking tired. “I have officially lost most of my cool points,” he reported.
Suddenly Tina came out of the crowd, pushing her black hair out of her face. She walked up to Derrick and kissed him on the cheek.
He turned completely red.
“Mr. Todd,” she said earnestly, “you have never been more cool to me than you are at this very moment.”