P A R T

F I V E

C I R C L E S































Damnation, damnation!
Thy other name is teaching!

-- Walt Whitman




























C H A P T E R

N I N E




“I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE the girl said, “that you all have been here a long time, but I haven’t seen either one of you before.”
“We’re not from around here,” Rodder told the girl with the guitar, and pointed to Madeleine. “My girlfriend and I were walking around, and she saw you in the window playing. So she said we should stop in for a cup of coffee.”
“Maura Lerner,” the girl introduced herself to them, extending her hands.
“Rodder Gonzales.”
“Madeleine Fitzgerald. We’re not even in college,” she said. Her voice was raspy.
“You all thinking about coming here in the fall?” said Maura.
Madeleine hitched her thumb in Rodder’s direction, and he said, “I am. It seems nice enough, I guess. You like it.”
She laughed. “Oh, God. I dropped out of MIT. I wanted to be a singer. This is my job... And I’m a mechanic.”
Madeleine snorted.
“What? Girls can be mechanics. What do you do?”
“Sing,” Madeleine rasped.
“Come on up with me,” Maura said, offering her hand.
Rodder stopped Madeleine, saying, “My girlfriend said she was a little sick when we left home. But she’s got a fever up to the sky, and a little bit of laryngitis. I didn’t even want her to come in here. But she insisted.”
“Rodder,” Madeleine rasped as she stood up and motioned to Maura, heading toward the stage, “the show must go on.”

So the end to Rodder’s weekend at MIT was watching a very sick Madeleine Fitzgerald belt out “Summertime” with this strange Maura Lerner.
“She’s got the singer’s spirit,” Maura said. “Girl ,when you can overcome a fever and laryngitis.... Why don’t you come back tomorrow night?”
“We’ll be gone,” Madeleine cawed out.
“That’s a damn shame. It was cool as hell meeting you, though.”

Rodder was quiet all the way back to their hotel room. They’d gotten a room in town instead of staying on campus. When they got back to their little room, and Rodder flicked on the television, Madeleine croaked, “Baby, what’s up? You know I can hardly talk... So don’t make me have to ask you again.”
She sat down in the brown recliner across the room.
“Do you know that was the highlight of the weekend?” Rodder said. “You singing.”
“That’s not true, baby.”
“Yes, it is, Madeleine.”
She sat up. “Don’t you want to go here?”
Rodder looked around the room as if it were MIT and shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“But this is your dream.”
“Madeleine, MIT is not my dream.”
“Well, what is?”
Rodder sucked in his breath and said, “Shit, I don’t know.’
“But you’re so together. You’re the one who’s been planning everything.”
“Everything I should do. But what about what I want to do?”
“I think you have cold feet.”
He looked up at her, “Madeleine, do you want me to go to MIT?”
“What?”
“Do you want me to leave you?”
“You never asked before.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Rod, I can’t tell you that.”
“Yes you can!” he flared. “For God’s sake, we’ve been sleeping together for two years. We’re supposed to be a couple. If we’re gonna have a future then you should have a say in it.”
“You want me to tell you what to do?” Madeleine said, flatly.
“I want you to tell me if you want me to go away.”
“Damnit, Rod!” Madeleine would have shouted if she could have, “Of course I don’t want you to go away. But you should have asked me the moment you told me you were accepted. You should have asked me back in winter... Instead of now.”


“Vaughan,” said Mackenzie, lifting his face from a battered old copy of C.S. Lewis’s The Last Battle, “do you think there are any gay people in Narnia?”
Vaughan turned around from where he was sketching at his desk, and said, “Unfortunately, you actually got my attention with that question. Well, I guess if they can have talking cats and centaurs, a few queers wouldn’t be unacceptable.”
“You never read about them, though,” Mackenzie said. “All the queers in Narnia.”
“None of them are integral to the plot, that’s all.”
“What about Edmund and Peter?”
“They were brothers.”
“But they could have been gay. Not with each other.. But with other people. Like they had all those years after the White Winter. Before they went back into the Wardrobe... Maybe they had, like, gay lovers.”
“But they were kids when they got back into wardrobe.”
“So?”
“They can’t be kids and be having sex,” Vaughan said. “That’s like Lucy and Susan selling ass, and then coming back and being twelve. That would be gross.”
“So they were virgins the whole time?”
“Except for Susan,” said Vaughan. “Because she was a slut.”
“Tart,” Mackenzie said in his British accent. “You mean, tart.”
“Right-O,” Vaughan corrected himself.
“What about Pippin and Merry?”
“Who?”
“From Lord of the Rings?”
“See, Kenzie,” Vaughan told him. “You just segued into another story without telling me. I think they get married... Like in the appendixes. You know, that whole messy history section in the last book.”
“What about Eomer and Faramir?”
“They both get married.”
“But they weren’t always married. You know it was long ago and far away, and people did the right thing. Or the straight thing. So maybe they play around for a while, and then get married. That’s why Faramir marries Eowyn, cause she’s almost a man. She’s got this penis envy going. I think she might be dyke.”
“Queer fantasy theory,” Vaughan remarked.
“I mean,” Mackenzie said, sitting up. “This could apply to so much. Like Black theory. Why aren’t there any Black knights or wizards?”:
“Because white folks wrote all these damn books.”
“Vaughan, you are not being fun. You are being literal.”
“Sorry.”
“I need something to take my mind off of Ian. Even if it’s finding all the queers in children’s books.”
“He’s only been gone a few days.”
“But he’s with them!” Mackenzie said. “Who knows what the hell’s going on? Who knows what they’re saying to him, telling him....”
Vaughan sighed, and came to the bed. He put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. Then said, “Gandalf was Black.”
“Was he really?”
“They never tell you otherwise. See, you just assume he was white.”
“Exactly,” Mackenzie drew in a breath, as if this were deep, “We could go so many places with this, Vaughan.”
Vaughan spread out across the bed, and his friend looked down on him.
“You know,” Vaughan told him. “If you really want to take your mind off of Ian, you can always think about the present you’re getting your sister.”
“Oh, shit!”
“What?”
“I forgot to get Tina anything. We need to go to the mall.”
“When is her birthday exactly?”
Mackenzie looked at Vaughan and said, “Today, Fitzgerald.”


When Kevin Foster heard the door opening and closing, he remained in his bedroom looking at the ceiling. It took the smell of cooking to bring him downstairs. He could smell cake. In the kitchen his wife was standing before the stove, smoking a cigarette.
“I’m back. You do know two of your daughters turn eighteen tonight. I told them to both be here,” Aileen said without looking up. She flicked her ashes in the little glass tray on the stove top. “I suggest you apologize to Tina... Finally.”
“I’m glad you’re back.”
“Do you love me?” Aileen asked him.
When he didn’t answer her, she turned to him and said, “If it’s such a difficult question to answer, maybe I should consider the fact that I’ll only be thirty-eight when the youngest is out of the house, and life is too short to waste on you.”
“Aily,” Kevin croaked.
“Because I’ve been thinking about... all of this...” she said lifting her hands up in a gesture that attempted to capture the kitchen. “This... as Tina would say... sucks.
“I saw our son.. the gay one....” Aileen said. “He’s happy. Young, stupid, attractive as hell. And happy.... I don’t think I’ve ever considered the possibility of being happy since the first time I got pregnant. Mama’s happy. She’s got me, and two crazy sisters, and a smoking habit that won’t quit... But she’s happy. Mackenzie asked me if I was happy. I couldn’t answer. I’m just here in the kitchen, talking to myself because my husband has the vocabulary of a chopping block. And baking a cake for my daughters.”
“I thought...” Kevin started. But he had to start over because his voice was cracking from lack of practice. “I thought I made you happy,” his voice was small.
She looked at him, lowering her eyebrows, as if to consider her husband.
“I thought you did too,” she said.
“Can I sit down?”
“Oh, goddamnit, Kevin! It’s your goddamn kitchen,” Aileen told him.
He sat down and said, looking up at her, “I got a call.”
“Really?”
“From Race. She says she thinks Roy knows.”
“Well, he should,” Aileen said. “He’s almost fifteen. He should know the truth.”
“How do you feel about it, Aily?”
“I stopped ‘feeling about it’ fifteen years ago,” Aileen put the cigarette out. “Why the hell did you have to go and do something like that?” she snapped. “I just took it when it happened. I was too tired not to take it. I was so tired, Kevin. I felt so old. Why the hell weren’t you here, helping me? Being a husband instead of sewing your oats with her, making a baby with her? Holy God, did you tell her that I was pregnant with Ross the same time she was pregnant with Roy?”
When Kevin didn’t answer, Aileen finally bammed down on the table.
“Goddamn you! Did it make you feel big? Did you feel like Abraham or like a Mormon or some fucking sheikh or something? Knocking up two women at the same time? Jesus God, Kevin! Yeah it’s time Roy knows. He’s good. He’s a real good kid. I hate to admit it, but maybe better than Ross, and a damn sight better than Lindsay... or Ash, who I’m surprised hasn’t given us a grandkid already. But how do you think he’ll feel? How will Ross feel when he learns he has a virtual twin?”
When Kevin didn’t talk, Aileen groaned.
“Jesus, Kevin! Jesus! I wish you would talk! I wish you would SAY something.”
“Aily, I don’t know what to say,” he said. “That’s why I don’t talk!”
Kevin sounded frustrated. “I did a dumb thing, and I’ve never known what to do about it. I’ve tired to be good. I’ve tried to be a good dad. I... my father used to say he was a good dad. He would pound his fist on the table and tell me how good he was. But... he wasn’t. I knew it. He never tried.” Kevin swallowed and turned his eyes up to Aileen.
“I don’t claim to have been good... But I tried... I tried to be a good husband. I really tried to be a good father.”
Yeah, Aileen thought. And she knew the effort should have counted for something.

Mackenzie tried to hide when they reached the food court, but he did not pull Vaughan into the Hollander’s soon enough.
“Well, well, well,” he heard. And then Tina came toward them, followed by Luke.
“Tina!”
“Brother mine! Vaughan! What would you two lovely people be doing at the mall today, this Sunday?”
“Just shopping.”
“For my birthday present?” Tina said. “The one you didn’t get?”
“Oh, Tina!” Mackenzie said, turning red, “Don’t be silly. You’re my favorite sister.”
“Well, given your options, that’s not saying much,” Tina told him.
“How could I forget your birthday?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Because you know I’d never forget yours.” She smiled at him.
“We’re just....” Mackenzie said. “We’re going down to the book store. I want to look at the Star Wars books.”
“I thought you hated Star Wars,” said Luke.
“No, Luke, I don’t!” Mackenzie said in a high voice.
“Yeah you--”
“No,” he said sharply. “I don’t.”
“Oh, okay,” Luke turned away and shrugged.
“Well,” Tina said, “while you’re looking at Star Wars books-- which you do hate-- don’t forget that I hate pink, and I need something that wears well in spring and summer. Vaughan, dont’t let him screw up, alright?”
“How can he? He’s got that fashion gene, you know? Maybe the reason some gay people stay in the closet so long is because they’re accessorizing.”
Mackenzie frowned at him.
Luke said, “JD Amateur can’t dress worth shit.”
“There are exceptions to every rule,” Tina said. Then to Vaughan and her brother: “Are you coming to my gala party?”
“I would rather have my balls sucked off by wild pigs,” Vaughan told her.
“I’ve heard some people go in for that,” said Luke.
“I don’t blame you,” Tina said. “It will be a disaster.... I wish I could get out of it, but....”
“It’s your birthday,” said Vaughan.
“Bingo... I’ll definitely be over to the house later, though,” she said, meaning Vaughan’s house. “And, Vaughan... “
“I know. Make sure he buys you something nice.”
Mackenzie hissed.
“I mean,” said Vaughan... “Make sure he already bought you something nice.”
He turned to Mackenzie,” Because you’re such a good brother, you’d never forget your sister’s eighteenth birthday.”

Claudia and Luke were at the house to help Tina ring in her eighteenth birthday. Somehow Ashley had managed to snag Derrick Todd. The twins shared a very large heart shaped cake, pink and red like something for Valentine’s Day, but split down the middle with one side bearing each name. Kevin was holding back Ashley’s hair from the candles, and Aileen was holding back Tina’s. Tina looked across at her twin, the candlelight on her face, and in her beautiful eyes, and realized that she had been jealous of her. In this light she looked so much like Mackenzie. And she realized that if the best Ashley could get to show up for her eighteenth birthday was Derrick Todd, then she must have no friends.
“Make a wish,” Ida said from a corner.
Tina didn’t know what to wish for. No matter how much she thought she needed, thought she wanted, she could never make a real wish. Maybe that’s why none of them ever came true.
But even while Tina was still thinking, Ashley was blowing out her side of the cake.
Then Tina knew what to wish. And blew.

When she had washed her hands, Tina’s father was on the other side of the bathroom door to greet her, which sort of freaked her out. He said, “Martina, I needed to talk to you.”
She nodded. He looked grumpy and confused, like a little boy. A big little boy.
“Tina, I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. This whole thing is out of proportion. I didn’t mean it. I wanted to take it back then.”
“Well for Crissakes, why didn’t you just say so then?”
“Cause I’m a stupid man, Tina,”
Tina wanted to say, “Sometimes. Sometimes.” But she didn’t.
“Are you staying here tonight?” Kevin said. “All that attic space up there’s been missing you.” He tried to smile. That attic had renovated for her.
“Yeah, I suppose,” Tina said, taking a hand through her thick hair. It was greasy. It needed to be washed, she realized. “But you need to talk to Mackenzie.”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“Oh, Dad, stop being thick.” Tina said.

Tina was used to Rodder answering the door by now, and when she came in he gave her a small, distracted grin, and low fived Luke who followed her.
“I would ask if you had a home or what?” she said to Rodder. “But coming from me that would be sort of ironic. Wouldn’t it?”
“Happy Birthday, Tina,” Rodder told her.
She wrapped her arms around him. “You smell like cold, and a twelve hour drive.”
“We just got back,” he said once they’d separated. Luke shut the door, and put Tina’s coat to the closet.
“How was MIT?” said Luke.
Rodder shrugged, and made a non-descriptive noise.
“Oh,” Luke made a similar noise. Tina figured it was a male thing.
Even though she was heading up the stairs on her own, Rodder said, “Madeleine’s upstairs in the BBC-arium with Vaughan and Kenzie.
“How’s the eighteenth birthday?” Madeleine croaked once Tina arrived.
“God, you sound like shit.”
“Laryngitis.”
“Um,” Tina said, sitting down and popping her cigarettes out of the breast pocked of the man’s shirt she wore, “I thought it was all that dick you’d been sucking.”
“That too,” Madeleine murmured, and Vaughan chuckled. Rod and Mackenzie coughed, caught off guard.
“So,” Tina turned to her brother. “Did you get me something nice? Or am I gonna have to ask you why you don’t have laryngitis too?”
Mackenzie turned red and smirked, then lifted his finger, and left the room for a moment.
When he came back, Tina reached for the box and said, “You wrapped it and shit. It’s so nice.”
Luke and Rodder were coming into the large room now as Tina attempted to unwrap the present with care.
“You can just rip it off,” Mackenzie told her.
“Oh, good,” she said and proceeded to do so. Vaughan watched as the pink and silver paper went all over the room.
“Oh, shit!” It was a velvety bodice top with pleather pants. Tina screamed and said, “This shit is retro!” she hopped up and hugged her brother. “Now all we need is some fake IDs,” she told him, “and we can go clubbing.”
Then Vaughan gave her his present.
“Oh, God!” she cried.
“Rachel’s brother helped me make them,” Vaughan said.
She held up three fake IDs: one for herself, one for Mackenzie, and one for Luke.”
“Vaughan,” Luke took his in admiration, nodding his head.
“You criminal,” Rodder remarked.
“Happy birthday,” Vaughan said to Tina. He nodded to Mackenzie and said, “Belated birthday.” Then he crawled back onto the beanbag.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Rodder and Luke sat around the table. Luke took out his cigarettes, and offered one to Rodder who waved it off.
“You ever smoke?” Luke asked him.
“Not cigarettes.”
“Do you get high?” Luke spoke through lips clenched around his cigarette, lighting it with the too tall flame of his lighter.
“Not anymore.”
Luke exhaled.
“Dude, I didn’t know that about you,” Luke grinned.
“You still get high?” Rodder asked him.
“The little lady doesn’t like it.” Luke told him.
“So you two are a couple?”
“Rod, I don’t know what the fuck we are,” he told him. “I mean it’s cool. If I was trying to get into her panties I guess it wouldn’t be cool. But I’m not, so... Tina might not be a girlfriend, but she’s--”
“The next best thing?”
Luke shook his head.
“I actually think she’s the better thing.”
Cedric came into the kitchen, nodded at Rod, reached for Luke’s pack, and took a cigarette out before heading back to his study.
“He can smell a cigarette like a bloodhound smells a rabbit,” Rodder commented.
“Tobacco-hound?” said Luke. He inhaled. “Dude, I wished I’d known that. I’d love to get high with you sometimes.”
“Well,” Rodder grinned, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Tell me about the Mit.”
“What?”
“M - I - T,” Luke pronounced each letter slowly.
“Oh, that...” Rodder shook his head.
“You never wanted to go there. Did you?”
“Would you believe it if I said I had too much going on here?” Rodder told him.
“No. Cause no one has too much going on in Jamnia.”
“Well, I thought that MIT was the place you had to go to. You know, like when some really beautiful girl says, ‘I wanna do you,’ so you think, ‘Well, I’ve got to,’?”
“Like you and Ashley Foster?”
Rodder went red.
“Hey,” Luke said, “You made the comparison. I was just saying.”
“I was talking about in your experience.”
“Rod, I live in a factory, I don’t have experience.”
“But you--”
“Me and Tina don’t do anything.”
“Well, I knew that,” Rodder said. “But I thought... Girls look at you at school, and talk about how moody and deep you are... And stuff.”
“I’m a virgin.”
“Oh,” Rod was caught up short. “Well... shows how much I know.” He shook his head and moaned, taking his hands over his buzzed hair. “God! I don’t know anything,” he said, his face in his hands. Then Rod shook his head around and yawned. “I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t even know who my real friends are anymore. I don’t hang with Bone or Dice or any of those guys anymore. I don’t... know anything.”
“You need to get high,” Luke said, clinically.
Rod, who’s face was still on the table, sent his green eyes up towards Luke, and said, “I need a lobotomy.”

Out of the darkness of Vaughan’s room, Mackenzie’s worried voice declared:
“He should have been back by now.”
“You really ought to stop this,” Vaughan told him.
“It’s just that... He would have called,” Mackenzie said. “Wouldn’t he?”
“Maybe he’s tired.”
“But still...” Mackenzie sighed. “I’m paranoid. You know... You’ve never asked what it’s like?”
“To be paranoid?”
“To be with another guy,” Mackenzie said.
“I never thought it was my business.”
“I know,” said Mackenzie. “Sometimes it’s hard to guess what’s on your mind because you keep so much to yourself.”
“For diplomacy’s sake.”
Mackenzie yawned.
“Sometimes you’re too diplomatic.”
“Were you going to tell me?” Vaughan said. “What it’s like?”
“I was just asking if you’d ever wondered.”
“Yes, I’ve wondered.”
“And never asked.”
“I think we’re going around the same tree again.”
“One day I’ll tell you. If I ever get words. I wish he was here now. Not for the sex bit... That’s only a part of it. Just so he could be here. He belongs here.” Mackenzie told the dark.

“I won’t go back home tonight,” Roy told Ian. “I’ll stay here with you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I wish,” Roy told his cousin, “that you wouldn’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Try to shrug me away... when I’m trying to be a cousin.”
Roy had turned away from the window where he was looking out into the dark square of backyard. He turned back to his cousin who was sitting on the bed.
“Thanks,” Ian said.
“I think you shouldn’t listen to your dad,” Roy said.
“You don’t even know what he said.”
“It’s Uncle Sam. It’s got you down. So I can guess that whatever he said you shouldn’t listen to.”
“You really don’t like my dad,” Ian spoke in a tone of discovery.
“Do you?” Roy’s tone wasn’t much different from his cousin’s. “Has he ever said anything worth listening to?”
“He said that if I really cared about Mackenzie I’d break it off.”
Roy just stared at him, his round blue eyes taking in the light.
“See, you didn’t deny that he was right,” Ian told his cousin.
“That’s because I never had to think about that is all.”
Roy shook himself back to consciousness. “I mean... I guess--” Roy stopped talking. He sat on the bed beside his cousin.
“Are you gay? I mean, do you think of yourself as gay?” Roy said.
“I’m with Mackenzie,” Ian said dully.
“See, I thought... they’re together. That’s all I thought. It was a little strange at first, but it sort of made sense. And I know that this part will not make sense... I thought: Mackenzie-- gay. Ian-- my cousin who’s with him. I never thought: Ian, my gay cousin. And now... the way Uncle Sam said what he said.. about you letting him go. It makes me think.”
“That’s all he told me this weekend, whenever he took me aside he kept saying that this was just a phase. That boys go through it a lot. That I shouldn’t take it seriously. This was not the time to put a label on myself. In the long run I’d just hurt Mackenzie too. He said all this stuff that... sort of made sense. For once he made sense.”
Roy crossed his legs under himself, and sat on the bed looking like a fourteen year old yogi.
“I don’t want to hurt Kenzie,” Ian said at last. “And I... get tired of being gay. I get tired of having a cause. I just want to be ordinary again. And I could be. I could get a girlfriend, and go on being regular.”
“But Mackenzie couldn’t,” Roy said.
“He could if he wanted to.”
“He’d never want to.”
Ian ignored that, and said, “I find myself thinking, ‘Let’s break it off.’ Only if I say, ‘Let’s break it off,’ I’m admitting that there is something to break off. And Dad’s saying that there is nothing.... that it’s not real. And he’s making me feel that way too. Like this whole thing is just a game we’re taking too seriously. Like that’s what gay people are. You know... bread and butter, all that weird shit. Guys go for guys all the time. But they don’t let it define them... Do they? They move on. Have regular lives. It’s the ones who take it too seriously who are gay... queer.”
“Are you quoting Sam now or is this you?” Roy sounded a little put out.
“You don’t know what it’s like, Roy,” Ian told him. “You ever check out guys?”
Roy looked at his cousin strangely.
“Do you ever check out guys?” Ian repeated.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I mean,” Roy lowered his voice, because they were both getting loud. “What does that mean? Does it mean liking another guy, and wanting to be his friend? Or does it mean wanting to hug another guy? Or does it mean wanting to climb in the sack with him? Does it mean saying he’s nice looking, or does it mean saying, he’s got a great ass? I don’t know.” Roy said, “You might as well stay with Mackenzie and fuck calling it whatever you call it. You love him. the way I love you, or you love Vaughan--”
“You’re my cousin, and I’ve never fucked Vaughan.”
Roy sighed and threw his hands up, “Well, I don’t know, E. Do what you want, but don’t kill Mackenzie. Don’t treat him like shit. Do what you want,” Roy sounded a little desperate. “I can’t think about this anymore. I got my own shit to deal with.”
Ian quickly pulled himself from himself, and said, “Like?”
Roy realized that his cousin was giving him full attention. Ian had always been like that, quick to leave himself behind.
Roy opened his mouth and then shook his head. “Not now. I don’t feel like going into anything now.”
Ian cocked his head like the RCA dog, and said, “You sure?”
Roy looked at his cousin and smiled. To Ian, Roy looked a lot older than fourteen. Or fifteen as he would soon be. Roy just nodded.

Tina was yawning her head off at the kitchen table when the phone rang, and Madeleine went to pick it up.
Rodder and Luke looked up, and Madeleine said, “Well, it’s definitely not for either one of you. It’s for Dad.” She said to the phone. “Hold on, Uncle Ralph, I’ll be right back.”
Madeleine went down the hall as Luke told Tina, “It’s almost time to hit the road.”
“Same here,” Rodder said.
“You could sleep in the guest room,” Tina told Rodder with a smile.
“I don’t think Cedric would want that,” Rodder said.
Cedric came into the kitchen followed by Madeleine, picked up the phone. and said, “Hello. Ralph. Oh... ohhh. Yes. Yes. Yes.”
It was a grown-up tone he spoke in, and the kids tensed listening to him.
“Alright, Ralph. Goodnight Ralph.”
He hung up the phone, and they were all looking at him, waiting for the news.

The phone rang at Windham Street. Ida motioned for Alice to turn down Groundation on the stereo, and then picked it up. Meghan, who was finishing off a crochet pattern, put her work down in her lap. She looked up to watch as her sister’s face changed at the news.
“Alright,” Ida said, her voice sounding higher than usual. “Yes. Good night, Ced.”
Ida put down the phone, and told them, “Over at Holy Spirit monastery... Father Brumbaugh just died.”

MACKENZIE WAS IN THE SHOWER when Vaughan came into the bathroom the next morning.
Vaughan scared the shit out of his friend by crawling onto the rim of the bathrub and unselfconsciously sticking his head into the steam.
“Kenzie!”
“Holy shit, I was washing my privates!”
“I can’t see anything. I don’t have my glasses on, and it’s all steam. God, do you use any cold water?”
“What is it?” Mackenzie squinted up at him.
“Father Brumbaugh is dead.”
“Oh, shit, Vaughan. Vaughan, that’s terrible.”
“Mackenzie, he was a hundred and five years old,:
Mackenzie shut off the water, reached for his towel, and stepped out of the shower, dripping.
“Oh, stop. He was in his eighties. I know he was old... but still. I guess that’s the quota for bad news today. Before eight in the morning... What else-- ?”
“Stop it!” Vaughan commanded.
“What?” Mackenzie looked at his friend. He unwrapped the towel and began drying his hair.
Vaughan, reaching for his toothbrush as Mackenzie began to dry his torso, said, “It’s just bad look to say ask what else could happen. Because that’s when-- inevitably--something else will happen.”

i i

MACKENZIE FOSTER WAS NOT SO shaken by the death of Father Brumbaugh that. as soon as he got to school he did not set about searching for Ian, trying to find out where the other boy was. He was not at his locker. Maybe he had decided not to come to school. Actually, this was all beginning to tick Mackenzie off. Ian should have had the decency to call. to say something.
Or maybe he thinks I’m a real man, and that I won’t freak out over him not calling.
But as he shut his locker, Mackenzie confessed that he was not a real man in that sense. This was always the wall he’d felt between himself and other guys back in Catholic school, here at Jamnia High too. There had been a tacit assumption that he shouldn’t be cared for too much or care about anything too much because, well, he was a guy, and guys are simple and laid back about stuff. Only Vaughan knew just how neurotic Mackenzie was, and Mackenzie did not feel like sharing his neurosis with even Vaughan this morning.
They were almost late for history, and Mackenzie nearly swore when he saw Roy Cane.
“Hey, guys,” Roy stopped himself on his way down the hall toward English.
“Roy,” Mackenzie said, and Vaughan could tell that in the glare of the light off the side entrance of the school, his friend had momentarily mistaken Roy for Ian.
“Have you seen Ian?” Vaughan said, to save his friend face.
Roy looked toward both of them, then said, “We came to school together.”
“Alright,” Vaughan was still speaking. “I just wanted to know. I ah-- my cousin wants to know when you’re free?”
“What?”
“We’ll talk later,” Vaughan said.
“Rachel?”
“The one you like,” Vaughan said. “The one in your gym class.”
Roy nodded. “Yeah.”
“We’ll talk at lunch. About stuff. You gotta go to class.”
“Yeah,” Roy said. And then, “But I might not be at lunch.”
“Huh?”
“Our uh... My Mom might be taking us out. You know,” Roy said. “She does that sometimes.”
“Yeah,” Vaughan said.
Mackenzie was strangely silent. Vaughan felt himself doing the old trick of hiding himself from a person who was hiding himself from him-- this time Roy. And then adding to the emotional rhombus, he hid his intentions from Mackenzie, who was hiding his thoughts from him and Roy. He hoped he was pulling this off.
“Well, I’ll talk to Rachel for you. If you want me to.”
“That’d be cool,” Roy forced a smile. It was, Vaughan noted, the same smile all white guys forced on themselves when they were trying to hide something from each other. Only Vaughan wasn’t white. And he wasn’t stupid.
They got to geography. Vaughan waited precisely until the time he always left-- Nothing strange in skipping out on class. And because it would have been strange not to notice his best friend acting ordinary, Vaughan passed Mackenzie a note.
The other boy, chewing on the eraser of his pencil (his only really nasty habit) picked up the note, distracted, and began unfolding it.

I KNOW YOU’RE PRETENDING NOT TO BE WORRIED. DON’T WORRY.

But by the time Mackenzie read it, Vaughan was out the door.

Vaughan was already down the main corridor. and winding his way through the older part of this high school to Mr. Beauclair’s room. Make a note: Beauclair is a stupid name for a French teacher.
When he came to it, the door was shut the way he needed it to be. He looked through its narrow glass window to see Ian. Ian was in the third row, nodding off, and did not notice him. This would mean having to stick his head in the window several times while dodging Beauclair. Shaun Fennigan and Meg Thomas noticed him. A couple of times Mr. Beauclair turned toward the door, and then Vaughan had to duck his head to avoid being seen. Finally, Jaime Tolliver noticed him, and Vaughan mouthed: “Get Ian.”
There followed a Byzantine note passing scheme that lasted about a minute, and required Vaughan to keep on ducking out of view.
Someone beside Ian-- who hadn’t shaved and looked like crap-- poked him, and Ian stirred, took the note, and then, eyes widening, looked toward the window in surprise.
Vaughan nodded and mouthed, “Come here.” And then left the window.
A few seconds later, Ian was out the door.
“What’s up?”
“Exactly,” Vaughan hissed trying to be quiet. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know what you--” Ian started to lie, and then seeing Vaughan’s face, sighed and caught the smaller boy by the wrist. “Com’onto the porch,” he said.

“Are you stupid?” Vaughan demanded, throwing the half smoked cigarette away.
Ian looked irked, like he was explaining something important to a little kid.
“It’s best this way. He’ll forget it. I think it was all silly.”
“A few days ago you had us all being the three goddamned muskateers and shit, and now you’re telling me it was all a mistake. It was some,” Vaughan waved his hand around, “illusion. How do you think Mackenzie will react?”
“I just told you, Vaughan. He’ll get over it.”
“I think you’re underestimating your impact, my friend,” Vaughan said, a little testily. “No, I think you’re underestimating Mackenzie if you think he’d just forget something like that. My God he lost his virginity to you.”
“He did not. It wasn’t even real sex.”
“Says your dad.”
“Says the whole world,” Ian snapped. “Now, this is hard enough for me already.”
Vaughan went up a few steps to stand over Ian.
“It isn’t hard enough. Hard? You know how hard all of this was for me? Mackenzie is my oldest friend in the whole world. I don’t know anyone better except my sister and... myself. And I find out in one year he’s been dreaming of boys, and then that he’s been dreaming of you, and then that the two of your are sharing a bed and carrying on together. I get my name dragged through the mud--”
“I know--”
“No, you don’t!” Vaughan shouted. “And don’t you talk while I’m talking.”
Ian looked sufficiently cowed, and nodded his head.
“And now you come out with this crazy bullshit about how it was fake. It was all a game. I can’t believe you! I thought it would take more than your idiot daddy to make you take back everything you’d ever said and felt.”
“Are you finished?” Ian said.
“Yes.”
“Do you wanna hit me, Vaughan? Go on ahead. Do you want to punch me in the gut? Cause I deserve it.” Ian stood up suddenly. “Hit me. I swear I won’t hit back. Hit me!”
“Is this how you solve everything?”
“Hit me!” Ian bellowed.
“God, Cane, get it together. I don’t want to hit you, I want you to wake up. I thought... I thought that no matter what I had grown up believing, love was what mattered, and that what you had for my friend was love.”
Suddenly Ian dropped his arms, and said, “That is not fair.”
“It’s exactly fair.”
Suddenly Ian shoved Vaughan, hard.
“What do you know?” he said. “Whaddo you know? You’re so goddamned self righteous. Whaddo you know? Above them the glass doors had opened, and Tina and Luke were coming out. Ian looked up at them, and he hissed at Vaughan, “My friend, my friend my friend. Well let me tell you, Vaughan, I shared a bed with him, I shared a room. We slept together. I know what his body tastes like. I’ve been in him for Crissakes, and if you think I don’t love him, you’re an idiot. More an idiot than you think I am. I’m doing this because I love him. Please don’t talk.” Ian cut him off. “This meeting is adjourned.”
Ian turned around, and headed for the parking lot.
“Where are you going?” Tina shouted. Vaughan sat down on the bottom of the steps.
Ian kept walking toward his car.
“Where is he going?” Tina said, sitting down beside Vaughan.
Vaughan shrugged, because he wondered if maybe he hadn’t been the idiot after all.
“I don’t know, Vaughan said. “But he left all his books in Mr. Beauclair’s class.”

Vaughan was yawning through Latin, and writing, halfheartedly,

amo
amor
amatus

.... and forgetting why he was writing this down when Brian Pavler passed him a note, which startled him to consciousness because Brian Pavler never passed him anything but dirty looks.
Vaughan opened it up, and looked out the window to see Ian’s face.
“Come here,” Ian mouthed.
Vaughan’s heart caught in his throat because he didn’t want another fight with Ian. The first one had shaken him too much. Still, Ian didn’t look like he was going to kill anybody, so Vaughan raised his hand and asked if he might be excused.
Mr. Shandy, a man with a too large beard that smelled of spit and tobbaco rolled his eyes and, with an elaborate gesture, signaled for Vaughan to leave.
Ian practically sprang out from the locker he’d been waiting behind, and said, “I need to talk to you. Can we go out on the porch?”
Vaughan nodded, but Ian was talking rapidly as they moved to the porch.
“Vaughan, I hated what happened this morning.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“I don’t ever want to fight with you again.”
They reached the porch, Ian offered Vaughan a cigarette, and Vaughan shook his head.
“I don’t ever want us to fight again either.”
“It’s just I’m scared,” Ian turned around and told him. “I’m so scared, and I want to do what’s right. Not what’s easy. That’s not me. I do love him-- Mackenzie. And I haven’t seen him the whole day because I don’t know what to do. I want to do what’s best for both of us. But him more. And I was scared for me this morning. When we were fighting.”
Ian sat down on the flat steps, and Vaughan sat beside him.
“See, before I met you guys I didn’t have any friends. Not really, and I was afraid this morning that if I did break it off, then you would hate me. Then you wouldn’t be my friend anymore.”
Vaughan said, “I just thought I was part of the package.”
“Vaughan!” Ian said, sounding a little ticked off. “Who’s house have I been staying at? Who did I come to when Mr. Foster threw me out?”
Vaughan said nothing.
“For someone who’s so smart you can be so goddamned stupid. I... was scared that if something ever happened with me and Mackenzie, you would just take his side and hate me.”
“I really didn’t think I mattered to you like that.”
“Well you do,” Ian said.
“I promise you,” Vaughan said. “Whatever happens we’re still friends. Alright? It’s just... Mackenzie’s my friend, and I don’t want anyone hurting him. But I don’t want anyone hurting you either. Least of all me.”
“I’m sorry for hitting you this morning. You should have hit me back.”
Vaughan waved it off. “It was just a shove.”
“I was wrong. I was out of line. I was--”
“Scared.”
Ian nodded.
“I drove around just feeling like shit. Not knowing what to do. And the one thing I knew was that I had to patch stuff up with you.”
Vaughan sighed heavily, and then said, “I wish I could tell you what to do.”
“You already have told me what to do,” Ian said, gloomily.
“Well, then I wish you’d believe me. You need a little bit more than your dad. Screw that,” Vaughan said quickly. “You need to talk to Mackenzie about this.”
‘About what?”
They both looked up to the head of the stairs and saw that something that never happened.
Mackenzie had cut class to come to the smoking porch.

Vaughan Fitzgerald had the not totally comfortable feeling of being torn in two, slowly, as he walked home from school between the silent Ian and the silent Mackenzie.
“I was just saying,” Ian finally said as they got to the porch, “that maybe we should think this ou--”
“I heard--”Mackenzie cut him off, “what you said the first time.”
Ian cleared his throat, and was about to speak, when Mackenzie went on, not lifting his voice.
“Sometimes, Ian Cane, I get so sick of you.”
They had reached the porch steps.
“You and your brooding and your moping around. If I make you that miserable, then why the hell are you here? Why didn’t you come into the house that night when my father tried to throw you out? Why did you just run off? Why didn’t you call last night when you got back? Why didn’t you take things up with me instead of Vaughan?”
“Mackenzie, I don’t know,” Ian pronounced each word carefully.
“I don’t know either,” Mackenzie said.
“Please, take it easy.”
Wisely, Vaughan had chosen to say nothing. He just sat on the porch between his two friends who stood over him.
“You come to me telling me you want to break off everything, but you say take it easy?”
“Listen to you. Kenzie! Jesus! You sound like my wife.”
Mackenzie cocked his head, and looked dangerous for a moment. Ian caught his breath.
“You said you’d never call me your girlfriend,” Mackenzie reminded him.
“Then why don’t you stop acting like one?” Ian’s voice was full of disgust. He had turned away, but now he turned back to Mackenzie, heat in his voice.
“You know, it’s not a lot of guys who would handle their friends telling them they’re in love with them as well as I did.”
“It’s not a lot of allegedly straight guys who would French their friends five minutes after learning it either. I want you to remember that it was you who kissed me. Unless you forgot.”
“Good because it was you who wanted to fuck me first.”
“Fuck you!” Mackenzie snapped.
Vaughan got up, and went into the house.
Ian and Mackenzie stopped.
“I’m going inside.” said Mackenzie
“I’m going home.”
“What?” Mackenzie stopped, looking puzzled.
“I’m going to my house,” Ian said. “I need to be there.”
Ian was heading down the steps.
“Ian,” Mackenzie went down and caught his arm. “I know we fought. I’m sorry about--”
But Ian shook his arm away and sounded sick. He said, “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry it’s too much. God, I’m hardly seventeen. It’s too much. I’m sorry I can’t be... the man you need. I’m sorry if I misled you. I need to go home right now.”
Mackenzie sighed. He opened his mouth to take back his words, “All that I said about you not calling and--”
Ian put a hand up. “You were right.
“And this is wretched.”
He looked around as if it were the bushes that were wretched. “It’s all kind of a mess right now. I need to go home.”
“Are we still together?” Mackenzie said. But he didn’t look at Ian. He looked at the pavement.
“I don’t know,” Ian told him. And then, turning around quickly, he left the yard.

Vaughan tried not to look up when Mackenzie came into the BBC-arium.
“Vaughan, I’m really sorry for outside. Going crazy and everything. But this day has just been crazy.”
“You’re really white right now. I mean you’re almost green,” Vaughan said.
“Yeah,” Mackenzie was shaking. He collapsed in the couch beside his friend. “Well, Ian just headed home. Not here. He said-- we said we don’t know if we’re still--”
Suddenly Mackenzie stopped talking, and then just sighed and said, “Shit! He’s right. This is too much!”
Mackenzie pushed his hands through his hair, and then got up and bolted for the bathroom. Vaughan did not followed him. For a long time Vaughan sat in the room waiting for his friend to return. When, at last, he did, Mackenzie’s face was pale and wet.
He sat down beside Vaughan who gave him a quick hug.
“I feel like shit right now,” said Mackenzie. “How about you?”
“Like my parents just got a divorce.”

VAUGHAN DECIDED THAT THE BEST TACTIC BY FAR was to tell everyone everything.
“Well,” Tina said, at last. “I know Mackenzie would approve of this when I say that we can’t just not talk to Ian. That’s not right. I mean, I don’t think I ever thought Derrick Todd was cool until after he broke up with my sister. And while Mackenzie’s my favorite sibling, and Lindsay’s a selfish bitch, it’s kind of the same principle.
They were all sitting in the Fitzgerald kitchen while Mackenzie slept off his sadness in Vaughan’s room,
“I just like the guy,” Luke said. “I just... never had to think about people being gay until now. But it makes me sad... Them not together and everything.”
Madeleine only nodded. Rodder opened his mouth to say something, and then shrugged.
“What?” Madeleine said.
“I wanted to say something deep,” Rodder said. “But this shit sucks.”
“Tina, will you do me a favor and run me to your house,” Vaughan asked her. “So I can get Mackenzie’s phone directory?”
“Sure,” she said, not asking what he wanted it for. “You’ve got another plot I suppose?”
Vaughan nodded.
“You never give up, do you, baby brother?” Madeleine said.
Vaughan scratched his head, which felt like a Brillo pad and needed to be trimmed.
“I try not to.”

SIMON PENDERGAST WAS SITTING IN HIS underwear and smoking a Marlboro as he planned out the next year of his life, singing along to a new CD when the phone rang.
He picked it up quickly because it was late, and his parents were asleep.
“Drew?” he said.
“No,” said the measured voice on the other end of the phone. “Is this Simon Pendergast?”
“Speaking,” Simon said. “Can I help you?”
“I hope you can. You won’t know me, but my name is Vaughan Fitzgerald--”
“Holy shit!”
“What?”
“You’re Kenzie and Ian’s friend. You’re like their personal Jesus. What’s up, man? I feel like I already know you.”
For the second time that day, Vaughan was surprised to be loved so much.
“I hope I didn’t disturb you,” Vaughan said.
“No,” Simon sat up in his chair, and crushed his cigarette out. “I was just sitting here listening to the new Natalie Merchant CD. I’ve heard it so many times I’m starting to actually know what she’s saying. So what’s going down in Jamnia?” Simon asked Vaughan.
“Nothing good, I don’t think,” Vaughan said. “As Princess Leia said to Obi Wan Kenobi, ‘You are our only hope.’ ”



i i i

Tina was surprised to hear laughter coming from the kitchen when she came home that day, and laughter which she could readily identify as belonging to Lindsay. It was a matter of process of elimination because it was a new laugh, and of all the women in the house, it was Lindsay who had always been known to have never had a sense of humor.
“Oh, God, Tina!” she said, slapping her knee as Tina looked at the two guys, both sort of cute, one in worn out jeans with thin, marmalade colored hair, the other with thick, reddish brown curls, and blue eyes. “These guys are cracking me up! This is Simon, and this is his friend Drew.”
Tina put down her book bag, and swept her black hair out of her face.
“Drew is just simply wild!” Lindsay said, tossing her hair, and squeezing the young man’s bicep. She rolled her eyes at Simon, “We met them at the band trip in Florida. How often do such good looking boys travel together?.”
“Only when they’re gay lovers I suppose,” Tina shrugged, and took her Lucky Strikes from the side pocket of her leather jacket only too happy to burst her sister’s bubble.
Lindsay immediately let go of Drew’s bicep. She looked at Simon with a raised eyebrow.
“I mean,” Tina took a drag and blew out smoke, “You guys are here to see my brother, right?”
Simon stood up, and reached across the table, “You must be Tina!”
“Well, shit, someone’s gotta be.” She offered her hand first to Drew because he was closer, and then Simon.
Lindsay just kept looking at them all in disbelief as Simon asked for a Lucky Strike.
“I wasn’t kidding,” Tina said to Lindsay. “They are lovers. Or were you guys trying to keep it under raps?”
Drew, who usually didn’t talk unless he had to, said, “We were trying to be discreet.”
“I think I’m going upstairs now,” Lindsay said with a sigh.
“She’s homophobic?” Simon said, lighting the cigarette.
“She’s life-a-phobic.”
“Oh, God,” Simon gagged on the cigarette. “This shit is... You don’t fuck around do you?” then he took another appreciative drag and grinned. “You really don’t fuck around!”
“She’s a bitch,” Drew said, still on the subject of Lindsay. “At least, that’s what Mackenzie and Ian led us to believe.”
“So ironic that you all would show up now,” Tina said.
“Not really,” said Simon. “Vaughan called last night.”
Tina seemed to remember something, and said, “That’s right, now. Vaughan did want Mackenzie’s directory, didn’t he?””
“He’s cool,” said Simon.
“Yeah. Yes he is. Can I get you guys something to drink? Eat? I bet Lindsay didn’t offer you anything. How far away do you all live?” Tina answered all of her questions, filling glasses with ice, pulling lemonade out of the refrigerator, and saying, “Lassador’s about three hours away, right?”
Simon nodded, and came up to take the glasses, “Right.”
“You all skipped school to come here, didn’t you?”
“You can go to school anytime. You can’t help your friends out everyday, now can you?” Simon smiled, and took the lemonades back to the table.
“I’ll pop--microwave popcorn,” Tina said, opening the cabinet.
“Besides,” Simon Pendergast went on. “I’ve only got a couple of months of school left. He’s got a full year,” he gestured to Drew.
“And then college?” Tina assumed.
“I guess,” Simon said. “I don’t want to go, though. Isn’t that messed up? I don’t want to go. Don’t know where to go, and I’m supposed to want to be free of Lassador. I’ve decided-- we’ve decided-- to just get an apartment. I think I’ll go to the little community college, and Drew can just stay with me whenever he wants to.”
“Then we’ll go to school together,” Drew decided. “Cause I got ideas even if Simon doesn’t. I wanna go to Saint Clare’s.”
“Up in Rhodes? My grandma went. My godfather too.”
“I think the popcorn’s done,” Simon said.
“Oh, shit.”
“Relax!” Simon grinned a slow smile that made Tina relax. Tina was opening up the microwave.” I just always listen, and if it goes for more than ten seconds without a new kernel popping, then I assume it’s done. Old trick. Never fails.”
Tina held her face away from the bag, and opened it up. The steam gushed out and she said, “I’ll get us a bowl, and then we’ll decide what to do with Ian and Mackenzie. Out of curiosity, how long have you guys been together?”
“Since I was a freshman,” Drew said.
“And the moral of that story is--” Simon raised a finger. Tina dumped the popcorn into a bowl, and asked, “Should I melt some butter? Okay. What is the moral of the story?”
Simon looked over at Drew, and then said, “I don’t know. But people always want to give a moral so I was just saying...”
Drew cocked his head at Simon, and then reached into the bowl. Before popping the popcorn in his mouth he muttered, “You are so random sometimes.”

“Yes, yes, “George Stearne said, getting excited on the other end of the phone. “That’s exactly right! Yes, I actually think something like that would be great for her.... Yeah,” in his apartment Stearne twisted the phone cord around his index finger, “As a teacher you don’t always get to be as helpful as you want to be... You know? Or you just don’t matter. Or students just don’t care. But everyonce in a while a student comes along who you want to help. Who wants to be helped. Yes... Thank you. I’ll have her call as soon as I see her. You have a wonderful day today too.”
George Stearne hung up the phone and went to the mirror to look at himself and laugh.
“My God, you actually look like you’re only twenty-four today,” he told himself. “And you’re smiling.” he frowned quickly, and pushed his glasses up his nose. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I should try it more often.”


“Uh! Uh! Uh!”
Mick looked behind him, and then pushed his hand over Ashley’s mouth.
“You gotta stay--” but his own pleasure cut him off for a second. “You gotta stay quiet.”
They were in the stock room of the English department. Mick had procured the key from Mrs. DeFalco, and in the corner under a frosted window, he had Ashley on an old shelf, her panties around her knees, his trousers and boxers around his ankles, her hands under the waist of his blue blazer, caressing his ass. He bit his lip and set to. They were both moving quickly and violently. He pulled his hand from her mouth long enough to be satisfied by her crying out like she was in pain. It made him fuck harder, and then twist, and stand on his tiptoes while he came.
They both gasped and panted as they separated, Mick turning away to pull the condom off of his penis.
You’re still dripping,” Ashley pointed out.
“At least not in you.” His pants were still down. He looked like some obscene Playgirl, Teachers Edition, white shirt and tie, blue blazer, his penis hard and dripping the remnants of come.
Quick as anything Ashley reached into her purse for some Kleenex, and wiped off his penis. He pulled up his pants.
“I don’t know why you wanted to do it here,” Mick Rafferty said.
“The thrill,” Ashley told him. “I know you don’t like mixing business and pleasure... but I think it’s fun.”
They both jumped up as someone attempted to open the door. Whoever it was jiggled it for a few seconds before walking away, swearing.
“Thank God you locked it,” Ashley told Mick Rafferty.

Mick needed to refill his tank anyway, and when he saw Luke Madeary in the window, he decided to stop into the gas station.
“I wasn’t sure if it was you or not,” Mick told him, coming inside of the convenience store to pay. “Then I remembered you saying you worked here.”
“Yeah. How are things, Mr. Rafferty?”
“Good. And you?”
“That’ll be eight-forty-nine,” Luke interrupted his chatter. “Alright, I guess.”
“What are your big plans for next year?”
Luke grinned, raised an eyebrow, and pointed to the cash register.
“Cha Ching!” he said.

“YOU COME ALL THIS WAY,” said Vaughan. “And all I can provide is pizza.”
Drew and Simon looked at each other, and then fell into fits.
“I love these guys,” Tina said. The back door opened, and Luke came in through the kitchen.
“You didn’t have to provide us with anything,” Simon got up and kissed Vaughan. “I love this guy.” Suddenly he said, “That was probably out of line.”
“No, no,” Vaughan shook his head. “I’m getting used to being kissed and fondled by homosexuals. Luke, this is Simon Pendergast. And here is Drew Marsh. Mackenzie’s friends.”
Luke shook hands with them, and Simon said, “Vaughan was telling us how he’s been getting fondled by gay men all year.”
“I have never fondled Vaughan,” Mackenzie stated, mock serious.
“Maybe you should switch sides, and join the queers,” Drew suggested.
Mackenzie said, “Vaughan’s already got a side. He’s a monk.”
“Not really.” Vaughan said, embarrassment burning his face.
“But he will be,” Mackenzie went on. “He almost lives at the monastery, and he’s always praying and everything. He’s like the real deal.”
“Stop,” Vaughan said.
“No, I mean it,” Mackenzie said. “He’s been like the one to help me through all this shit. You and Tina. The two of you are the real deal.”
Tina seemed unaffected by her brother’s praise.
“Remember,” Drew said, “in Florida when we were talking about God and all that? And you said that if Vaughan was here he’d make sense of stuff?”
“You did?” Vaughan looked at his friend.
“Yeah,” Mackenzie nodded to Drew, not hearing Vaughan.
“Well,” Drew turned to Vaughan. “Is there a God?”
“What?” Vaughan looked panicked.
“I think I’ll get up and make some coffee,” Tina said. “I think you’ll need it.” She patted Vaughan on the back.
“You can’t really prove that,” Luke said. “I mean people go to church ‘cause they hope there’s a God. You don’t really know about God. You can’t know that.”
“Why not?” Vaughan’s voice surprised him.
“Because God’s God, and he doesn’t just run around striking up conversations.”
“But he did in the Bible,” Drew said. “Right, didn’t he?”
“Yeah,” said Vaughan.
“Then why did he stop? I mean, does it really say in the Bible that gay people are going to hell?”
“I don’t think it says anything about gay people at all,” Vaughan said.
“Then where’d they’d get it from?”
“You gotta pardon Drew,” Simon said. “He’s,” then Simon grinned. “I forgot... you’re all Catholic.”
“And you don’t care? “Drew said to Simon. “You really think you’re too smart for God and religion and it all doesn’t matter?”
“Drew, we came down here for Ian and Mackenzie. Not this. Neither one of us really goes to church, and we wouldn’t be accepted at yours or mine, so why even argue about God?”
Drew sighed and said, “It’s just that.. I like to talk about stuff like that. I like to have stuff to talk about, and you never want to say anything about... Stuff. And if Vaughan’s gonna talk, well then I’ll listen.”
Simon shrugged and said, “I just think it’s all garbage.” He caught himself, and said to all of them, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just mean you can get by without it. It gets in the way of stuff. You know?”
“Then you’re an atheist?” Vaughan said, taking sudden interest.
“Well,” Simon scratched his head. “No, I’m not an atheist. I don’t know. It’s like, I don’t know who’s right... Or if anyone is right. But atheists... They just say that there’s nothing. Right? I mean they say that everyone’s wrong. Christians Jews, Buddhist, Muslims, people who worship Mr. Potato Head..... Everyone is wrong. They don’t see God, and so nothing’s there. I mean, what’s God supposed to be? I don’t know? If he’s like some guy floating around in the sky, blasting people down, if he’s like what I hear about at church or... if he’s even a he. I don’t believe that. I can’t. I’m sorry.
“But, sometimes I want to walk into a church, or like, once I took Drew to a museum and we saw these old idols and I thought... these people, they touched something. You know? And sometimes, Drew might stay the night, and I’ll wake up, and he’ll be asleep right beside me. On a Saturday. Or maybe I’ll be riding my bike or smoking a cigarette or just sitting around and all of a sudden it’s like, life hits me.
“It’s like all of a sudden I know there’s something. And it’s all around me. It’s in me. And it’s like for a little second I know that stuff is going to be cool, and things are good, and I guess that’s when I can’t believe in people who can’t believe in God.”
Simon had addressed the whole exchange to Vaughan, who was nodding the whole time.
In amazement, Drew said, “That is more than you have ever ever said to me on the subject.”

“You really dig Vaughan, don’t you?” Mackenzie said as he and Simon sat on the porch.
Simon nodded, took out a cigarette, and said, “You’re lucky as hell, Mackenzie.”
The cigarette smelled good to Mackenzie, he’d been around tobacco too long he decided.
“Told him he could sit out here with us,” Mackenzie said. “But he said we needed time just to talk alone.”
“Well,” Simon admitted, inhaling, and then shooting smoke out of nostrils, “this is true. But it’ll be cool to talk to him before we leave.”
“When you all going?”
“The morning,” Simon shrugged.
“Cedric’ll let you have the spare room here. It’ll be great.”
“Things with you and Ian?”
“I don’t know if there is a me and Ian.”
“Sure there is,” Simon said. “You think me and Drew didn’t have the same fight?”
Mackenzie looked at Simon in surprise.
“The same fight two or three times,” Simon said. “And we don’t have a Vaughan or a Tina to give us some common sense. And we were a year younger than you and Ian. I mean, I love him so much, but I’ve been such a bastard sometimes. I don’t know if it’s in guys or in people, but there’s so much of the asshole I work at getting out of myself. I just turned eighteen. I’m an eighteen year old white male-- Midwesterner. Not known for being the most loving kind of creature in the world. We’re not known for leaving ourselves behind, and here I am,” Simon took a drag on his cigarette, “trying to turn myself into a lover for that guy that just drove over to Ian’s with what I hope were good directions.”
“Yeah, well.”
“Well, what? Listen! Do I have to tell you what I saw when I saw you and Ian? You all don’t even have to try! I mean, sure this whole outing yourself must have been a pain in the ass. But the worse pain is not being able to love, not being able to do it right, be a good lover. I don’t mean good in bed. I mean good at loving. But you two are surrounded by people who do nothing but love you all day long, and Ian... he doesn’t even have to learn. He loves you so much. You can see it. He’d jump off a bridge for you.”
Mackenzie smiled wryly.
“I’m about to the point of telling him he can do just that.” .

With little interest, Ian heard the car stop in the driveway. It was not Friday. It was almost time for bed. He wished that he had some of his stash left. He wished he could get high tonight. But it was all gone. He looked around his quiet bedroom. It had been so long since it had just been him, and he had just been bored. Being bored was easier back then, when he’d had nothing with which to compare it.
When there was a knock at his door, he said, “Come in, Mom!” And he sat there, head cocked and mouth a little open as he took in the last person short of Jesus Christ he’d expected to see.
“Drew? Drew Marsh!” Ian jumped up, and hugged the other boy. Then he separated from him, holding him by the shoulders. “What are you doing here? What are--? Did Vaughan call you?”
Drew only nodded rapidly, and grinned.
“He said you and Mackenzie are in trouble.”
“You make it sound like a National Crisis.”
“Well it is a crisis,” Drew said. “Can I sit on your bed?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry, I’m rude. Look around. This is my room.” And then Ian said, “My room bites, Drew. You wanna go out some place? He pulled down his old globe, and lifted up the Northern Hemisphere.
“Sweet!” said Drew.”
“I got money. I’ll buy,” Ian pulled out a couple of twenties.


They were in a booth at the Golden Rail when the waiter brought them their food, and Ian nodded his thanks.
“I’ll refill your Cokes,” the man said, and left.
“So Vaughan calls you guys down like a couple of fairy godmothers-- no pun intended--” they both grinned, “to fix things up?” Ian said, picking up a steak fry and salting it before putting it in his mouth. He chewed a while, and then said, “You know what makes me feel like a loser? If we were married, a man and woman, and Vaughan did something like this, I’d think-- of course, he’s trying to save our marriage. But I’m a guy, and Kenzie’s a guy, and so it sounds kind of weird. And that gets me to thinking that maybe it’s me that didn’t take our relationship seriously. That maybe to me it wasn’t a real relationship.”
“Do you think me and Sy are real?”
“Aw, Drew!”
“No, seriously,” Drew said, taking up his Coke as the waiter came back. “We’re the same thing. I mean, a couple of guys. And no one but you all know about us. So does that mean that whenever a guy loves another guy it’s fake? That it’s not real until you find the right girl, and everyone knows and calls it real, and you go down the aisle while everyone claps for you?”
“Drew, man, I don’t know,” Ian said. “It’s late at night, and you’re getting all heavy.”
“Well, who’s gonna get heavy with you if I don’t? How many gay guys do you know in Jamnia? Who are sort of like you?”
Ian looked up from his plate, and said, “None. Except Kenzie.”
“That’s right,” Drew said. “Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking,” Drew told him.
“You do?”
“That’s right. You’ve never been with anyone but Mackenzie. For over three months you’ve been steady doing another guy--”
“God, Drew!”
“You’re doing him aren’t you?” Drew said.
Ian reddened, and rolled his eyes, “Yes, Drew. I’m doing Mackenzie.”
“Right,” Drew said, “and all of a sudden you get scared. Maybe you’ve gotten scared before. For whatever reason. And you start thinking, Maybe I’ll go straight. Maybe after I’ve been banging another guy-- and liking it-- I can fix myself up, and get a nice girl so that everyone approves of me-- and then I can train myself to like doing her.”
“I had a girlfriend once,” Ian told his plate.
“Well, congratulations, Ian,” Drew said in a tone that let him know that everyone had a girlfriend once. “But you’ve got a boyfriend now. You’re gonna spend the rest of your life, gay or straight, trying to improve yourself, struggling with shit about you. Some of it because other people don’t like it, some of it because it really needs to change. To all the crap you already gotta work with you’re gonna add trying to straighten your sexual preference out? Here’s what’s gonna happen?”
Ian sighed, rudely, and said, “Tell me what’s gonna happen.”
“You leave Mackenzie. Maybe you will get another girl. Maybe you’ll like her. Another guy’ll come around, and another, and another. You’ll sleep with guys. You’ll want guys. They’ll remind you of Kenzie, but they won’t be him. Dude, listen to me.”
Then Drew said, louder, “Listen, goddamnit.”
“Alright,” Ian said, looking up at him, angry now.
“We’re the lucky ones, alright? You and me, and for that matter Vaughan-- who’s in love with Jesus, and his sister and her boyfriend. And hell, even Tina and Luke. But especially you and me. You now how many people spend their whole lives looking for someone who loves them, and wants to be loved by them? You know how hard it is for a man to find another man ? Now, Ian, I love you, seriously. That’s for true. But God dropped Mackenzie right in your lap, you didn’t even have to work for him. He was just right there in your world, and he’s a great guy, Ian. And if you let him go, well, then you deserve whatever you get.”

More than ever George Stearne wanted morning to come so he could tell Tina Foster the good news. He would even call her Tina he decided, maybe Martina just to razz her. But it was still late at night, and sitting in his apartment, drumming his foot against the edge of the table wasn’t making time pass any more quickly, so-- at last-- he got up, and got into his car to drove toward Mick Rafferty’s apartment building.
His first thought was joy when he saw Tina Foster’s car parked in front of the apartment building. Even in the dark he knew the LTD. Then he realized that there was no reason for Tina to be here. He went in through the lobby. the lights shone on the old black and white tiles. He went past the glass door, up the worn carpeted stairway. Up the three flights. As he was coming up to the third floor, he heard laughing. A girl. George came up to the first apartment door that was open, and Mick Rafferty and Ashley Foster went silent, star- ing at him, bug eyed.
“Good evening, Ms. Foster,” George Stearne said.
“Mr. Stearne,” Ashley said. Then she turned to Mick Rafferty.
“M-- Mr. Rafferty, I’d better go,” she said.
“Well, you’re legal now, aren’t you?” said George Stearne.
“What?” Ashley started.
“Nothing,” Mick said grimacing, before George could open his mouth. “Good night, Ashley. You rest well.”
“Good night,” she said. And then she moved past George Stearne. “Goodnight, Mr. Stearne.”
“Um hum,” he murmured.
“What was all that?” Mick Rafferty hissed. “Get in here, I don’t want to fight with you in the hall.”
George Stearne walked into the apartment.
“It’s her,” he said to Mick. “That’s the piece of ass you’ve been so excited about.”
“Stop being stupid,” Mick said in a way that almost made Stearne believe he was being stupid.
“She’s a student for God’s sake,” Mick said.
“That’s right, she is,” Stearne told him. “You think you’re her first?”
“Oh, God, George!”
“No, really, Mic. Just tell me. What was it in you that said, ‘This is a good idea. I should start banging a seventeen year old?’ ”
“You know what?” Mick said. “I don’t need this. I don’t need you to be judge and jury and--”
“and executioner,” Stearne concluded. “For God’s sake, if you’re gonna make a speech make an original one, Mick. But please let me hear it from your mouth. From your mouth tell me that I’m wrong. Or tell me that I’m not. I want you to tell me if you’re playing around with Ashley Foster?”
Mick stared blankly at his friend, and then said, picking up a towel that was on the floor.
“We’re not playing. It’s not a game.”
“Well, what the hell is it? What kind of future do you have?”
“You have got a stick up your ass.”
“I have got reality up my ass,” George pounded the side of his head because he couldn’t reach up the smack Mick’s. “And your best interest at heart. And, believe it or not, her’s... That little tart. I can’t believe you’d be this dumb.” He stopped and said, “I take it back. I can’t believe you’d be this dumb for this long a time. I gotta go.”
Stearne turned around to leave.
“Is that what you came to say?” Mick demanded. “Did you come to call me an idiot?”
“No,” Stearne said. “I came to share a little good news. But, God... I don’t feel like being around you right now. Good night, man.”

WHEN MACKENZIE WOKE UP IN the middle of the night and padded downstairs in his boxers and tee shirt, Cedric was sitting alone at the kitchen table, doing what looked like paying bills, but was probably the last stages of putting together a play. Mackenzie reminded himself that somewhere, in the mysterious world outside of Jamnia, Ohio, Cedric was important.
As Mackenzie went to the refrigerator to stare inside of it, Cedric, eyes never straying from his work said, “Is this the part where I continue on with my work unaware of you, or where I put an arm around your shoulder and say, ‘Don’t worry, it’ll be all right?’ ”
Mackenzie grinned, and took out the pitcher of orange juice.
“I think this is the part where I just pour a glass of juice, drink it, and go back to bed without disturbing you.”
“Don’t forget to--”
“Rinse it out before I put it in the dishwasher.”
“And--”
“Rinse it well because its orange juice, and the pulp can stick to the inside of the glass.”
Cedric smiled, pushed his glasses up, ran his red pen through a line and said, “You’re a wonderful boy, Mackenzie.”
“And all I need to do is know how to clean a glass,” Mackenzie murmured.
“Life is simple that way sometimes.”
Mackenzie put the pitcher back in the refrigerator.
“Do you like Drew and Simon?” he said. “They think you and Vaughan are cool.”
Cedric stopped his work, and looked up at Mackenzie. “I think they’re... cool too,” he said, smiling. “And I think you’re cool for that matter. They’re brave. Or, at least, they’ll have to be. This is supposed to be the best time of your life.”
“Is it?” Mackenzie said. He downed half the glass of orange juice in one gulp. “I mean... was this the best time of your life?”
“Jesus God, no!” Cedric swore. “No. But... if I hadn’t learned to start enjoying life when I was young, I don’t know that I’d enjoy it now. Mackenzie, sit.”
Mackenzie nodded, and sat down, watching Cedric attentively.
Cedric pulled off his glasses, and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“Most people are not happy or wise. Old people are not necessarily wise. If you have a little wisdom when you’re young, you’ll have it when you’re old, but if you’re young and stupid, you’ll be old and stupid and most people start off young and stupid. When you get old you hate to see someone doing it right if you haven’t, and if you’re not a little wise. You hate to see someone free if you’ve never been free. And so it’s hard sometimes for a young person to get free. Everyone wants to push you into their mold. That’s what makes being young hard. It’s hard till you get to the point when you’re old enough not to care.”
Mackenzie finished his orange juice before asking, “How long did it take you?”
“I was probably a freshman in college.”
“How long do you think it’ll take me?”
“Oh, I think you’re already there.”
Mackenzie drummed the sides of his glass with his fingertips. He got up to wash out the tumbler in hot water. He put it in the dishwasher, and then before he left he said,
“Cedric?”
“Yes?”
“I only pretend,” Mackenzie said. “I do care. I get scared all the time. Sometimes I can hardly breathe,” he admitted.
“You should pray,” Cedric said simply. “Go light a candle at Our Lady.”
“I don’t even know if what I’m doing is right. It would be so much easier if I knew. If I had a catechism or the Pope or something to say, ‘Mackenzie, you’re right. But I feel like since I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing, how can I pray to God to help me?”
“Oh, God’s not like that,” Cedric said. “Only helping people who deserve it. Who earn it. Help comes to people who need it. When you try to do what’s right.... that may be all that matters.” Cedric shook his head. “I’m fifty-two. Almost. It’s not following these rules like the Lord is some kit you put together out of a box, and if you do this, and do this, and do that then it’ll all turn out right. Or... if you’re fair it’ll all turn out right. Life is not fair. Thank God. And God helps you when you need it. And when you ask. Just keep on doing what you’re going. Alright?”
Mackenzie nodded, and said, “Good night, Cedric.”
“And, Kenzie?”
Mackenzie turned around.
“Of course you know that whole being too old not to care thing...?”
“Yeah?”
“It starts out with you still being afraid, and pretending not to be... You just... start ignoring yourself whenever yourself gets afraid. Alright?”
Mackenzie nodded. “Alright,” he said. And headed down the hall.



“George!”
George Stearne turned around on his way to teach his history class, and Kevin Foster was standing there, looking awkward as ever while he played with his tie.
“Yeah, Kevin?”
“My son’s in your next class, right?”
Stearne smiled gently, and said, “Mackenzie?”
“Right?” Kevin nodded.
“Yes.”
“Could you-- could you do me a favor and send him down to my office?”
Stearne screwed up his face in thought. There were so many things that connected him to this man right now, a few of them actually decent.
Finally, Stearne said, “I don’t mean to butt into family affairs, but this time around I’m going to have to. Kevin, I think that you might have to be the one to come to Mackenzie. Now maybe I’m stepping in where I shouldn’t but-- ”
“No,” Kevin put up a hand, and furrowed his brow. “I think you might be right about that. I-- ”
“He and Tina are in the play, so you could swing by the auditorium after school,” George suggested. “Does that sound good?”
Kevin looked a bit stupified.
“This is where you say, ‘yeah’, Kevin.”
“Yes,” Kevin said, “I’ll be there. To talk to my boy.”

There was a thump on the other side of Mackenzie’s locker while he was getting his books out, and cursing himself for being late to Mr. Stearne’s class.
“Look up, Kenzie,” Simon told him.
“Hold on,” Mackenzie said.” I can’t believe you guys would ditch your school to hang out at mine.” He closed the locker, and looked up, shutting the door. Then his eyes landed on Ian, who was with them.
“Oh, so you decided to turn up,” he said to Ian, who’s smile dissolved.
“Don’t be like that, Kenzie,” said Drew, realizing that he might have stepped over a line. Mackenzie shot him a look that told him this was so, then looked at Ian.
“I wanted to talk,” Ian said.
“Well, I’ve got a class to go. I’ve got Stearne for history, and if I don’t get there--”
The bell rang over their heads.
“--now,” Mackenzie continued. “I am history.”
He began to move forward, but Simon took his history book out of his hand.
“Who are the two of you?” Mackenzie said to Simon and Drew, “The Love Connection?”
“Vaughan’s not here, so we’ve got to be.”
“Where is Vaughan?” Ian wondered.
“Ironically enough,” Mackenzie replied, “he’s the one of us who actually is in class.”
“Why don’t the two of you go talk it out?” Drew said. “On the smoker’s porch?”
Ian gestured for Mackenzie to follow him.
“We’ll be waiting in the lobby,” Drew said. “Go on.”
Simon shooed them away.
Mackenzie looked at the two with a mixture of amazement and frustration. Ian was looking hopeful though. He thought about grabbing Mackenzie’s hand, and then thought better.
The four of them set down the hall, and then turned left through the shiny lobby past the gymnasium. Simon and Drew were to wait for them here. But they had not planned on Kevin Foster was going into the gym to teach his class. He stopped, thought, and went up to Mackenzie.
“Mackenzie!” Then he saw Ian. He added Ian’s name to his address, and then quickly went back to his son, “Can we talk later?”
Mackenzie thought his father looked like a stupid and overgrown boy. The fact that Kevin Foster hadn’t really been courteous to Ian was something he wasn’t sure how to feel about since, at the moment, Ian wasn’t number one on his list of people anyway.
“Yeah, sure,” Mackenzie said, ungraciously. “This must be my lucky day, Dad.” Mackenzie turned, and walked out of the lobby, followed by Ian. As the glass doors closed he could hear Simon saying,” Hello, I’m Simon Pendergast...”
Ian grinned at Mackenzie, who did not feel like grinning back, and said, “Kenzie, they’re gonna come out to your Dad. This is gonna be a trip.”
“Yeah,” Mackenzie muttered.
“Mackenzie...” Ian said, trying to touch him. Mackenzie backed away.
“God! Will you talk to me for a second?”
“I don’t have anything to say.”
“Then listen.”
“Please don’t tell me,” Mackenzie said, “how this whole thing has been terrible for you?”
Ian, who had been getting ready to do just that, shoved his hands in his pockets, and said, “No. I was going to tell you I’m sorry I’ve been terrible to you. I’m sorry for screwing it all up so bad.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m sorry.”
“I know that. But what are you saying? That you want to be my boyfriend again? Or whatever the hell we’re supposed to be.”
Ian grabbed his hand. “You’re my boyfriend. My guy, my man, whatever, alright? You’re the one who’ll get all my candy hearts on Valentine’s Day.”
“Until you call it quits again.”
“Wha? I--”
“You got confused,” Mackenzie said. “But I didn’t. Alright? Well what happens next time, and the time after next?”
“There won’t be a next time.”
Ian tried to touch him again. Again Mackenzie backed away.
“What about when there is no Drew or Simon or Vaughan? And you listen to a moron, and break it off with me again? Am I supposed to just keep on nodding my head, and saying, ‘Come on back, Ian! Come on back! Oh, I know you’re sorry. Come on back.’ ”
“Is that a no?”
“That’s a no, Ian.”
Ian sucked in his breath, and then went up the stairs to the glass doors. Something snapped in him, and he ran back down again.
“You know, what? Fuck you, Mackenzie Foster!”
Mackenzie looked shocked.
“Yeah, I said fuck you! You’re being a bitch. We fought. Make up, get the fuck over it! Lets get back together, now or not get back at all. I know you. You forget, we’re not a regular couple. I know you too well. You’re a guy. I’m a guy. You’re a guy into another guy. So am I. I know the shit turning around in your head cause it’s turning around in mine too.”
Mackenzie looked stupid now, like his father had a second ago.
“You’ll take me back the third time I beg, right?” Ian said, “Or the fourth, fifth. Something like that. You’ll male sure I really really mean it. Well fuck that, cause I’m not gonna ask you again. I’m not gonna play a game again, and quite frankly you’ve got two years left until you can go to college, I’ve got one, and we’re both gay. I admit it! I’m gay--”Ian shouted, to the parking lot.
“And I’m horny. We’re horny, and in love with each other. We’re gonna be pretty fucking angry, and lonely in a town like Jamnia because we don’t have any one but each other. This isn’t exactly San Francisco, Kenzie!
“So,” Ian said, catching his breath. “What’s it gonna be? Are you in or out?”
“That’s your apology?” Mackenzie said, looking irritable.
“It’s my apology, and it’s my proposal,” said Ian, looking utterly serious. “Are you with me or not?”
“I--” Mackenzie’s teeth clenched, and his breath hissed out of them.
“Ian, I don’t want to be pathetic. I don’t want to know that whenever you call I’ll just come running.”
“Why not?” Ian said with heat. “Why not? That’s what I’ve been to you. My father’ll never speak to me again. My mother’s useless to me. Baby, I walked out on my whole family for you. I got socked in the face for calling you my boyfriend. The first time you told me you loved me, all you had to do is make a gesture, and I came to bed with you. And you’re afraid to be at my beck and call? Goddamnit, please!”
“Ian, shut up.”
Ian looked at Mackenzie.
“Ian, I’m sorry. Ian, I love you.”
They didn’t kiss or hold hands or embrace or anything like that. Ian just looked around like he’d heard a gun shot. Then he nodded, and said, “Alright. Let’s go back inside.”

Roy had surprised even himself today not only by dressing for gym class, but also by nearly making a goal. Was this the secret? To turn off the part of himself that was always looking around at everything else, and hone in on the ball and the game and his aggression?
“Roy,” Coach Foster said while the boy was coming up the stairs from the locker room. “You got a minute?”
“Not really, sir,” Roy said, trying to put respect in his voice. And it was true, because when you actually participated in gym class you needed a shower, and there was no time for a shower, so you needed to splash a little water on yourself, and reapply deodorant before heading to the next class.
“This’ll only take a minute,” Kevin said in a voice that made Roy scowl. He had a feeling he wouldn’t get out of this one.
“Yes, sir,” Roy said, approaching Kevin.
“You haven’t been to the house in a while.”
Roy looked around to see if any kids were approaching, and then came closer to Kevin, and said, “You disrespected my blood, sir.”
“I intend to talk to Ian.”
“You should intend to talk to him very soon,” Roy said. “Because he’s more than a brother to me, and I would never set foot in a house that he’d been thrown out from. Sorry, sir, that’s just the way I feel.”
Kevin nodded and said, “I see, Roy. You’ve got a point. I-- I’ll talk to him as soon as I can.” Kevin saw the incredulous look on Roy’s face. It reminded him of Race’s looks, but not Race’s eyes. Here it reminded him of Tina, or the way that Mackenzie had looked earlier this afternoon.
“That’s a promise, Roy. I didn’t mean to do what I did. You know how it is when you do things you regret.”
Roy was about to say that he didn’t. Instead he only shrugged, and turned around, striding toward the lobby.
“Eh, Roy?”
“Yeah?” Roy turned around.
“Are things still alright between you and Ryan?”
“Yes,” Roy said. Kevin had been half afraid that Roy might start taking his anger out on the boy that needed a friend so much.
“Good. He really likes having you at the house.” Then Kevin said, “we all do.”
Roy gave a strange smile, because the truth was that he liked being there. And then he turned around and left.
Rachel DuFresne was waiting for him on the other side of the door.
“You were waiting, or was that my imagination?” said Roy.
“I had just thought I’d say, hey,” she said. “You just took so long to come out of class. So I guess I was waiting. Now I look desperate.”
“Naw,” Roy ducked his head, and was embarrassed to realize he was coloring. “I like that. I’m glad you waited... Just to say hi.”
“Cause,” Rachel went on as they headed down the lobby, and through the main hallway, “I thought I’d say hi to you in class today... But you were actually playing the game and everything. Like a demon.”
“I was not,” Roy grinned.
“You were. You were red and your eyes were all on fire. You looked like the devil.”
“Like a blue eyed devil?”
“Stop!” Rachel laughed, except when Roy turned his gaze on her he did look a bit like a blue eyed devil.
“You wanna go out?” he said.
“Huh?”
“Cause Vaughan-- you’re cousin, my friend.... He’s trying to hook us up, and...” Roy looked around, and cleared his throat. “I might not be opposed to that idea.”
“You’re asking me on a date?”
Roy shrugged. “I don’t know how much of a date it is,” he said. “I mean it’s probably just dinner at my house. The Chez Cane.”
“Your French accent is terrible.”
“Oui Oui, it is.”

“I could never do this, Stearne! I mean, Mr. Stearne....” Tina was breathless in the auditorium that afternoon. It was still filling up with students, and she was on the stage with him at the little table he brought out during practice.
“Which of course means, I will,” Tina said. “Then... I hope.”
“I had hoped that was a yes.” Stearne smiled at her, which caught her off guard because it made him handsome, and reminded her that he was really not that old.
“Thanks,” she said, earnestly. Then Tina threw her arms around him, and hugged him tightly. He was stiff in her embrace, and she said, “Stearne, what’s up?”
“What, Ms. Foster.”
Tina said, “I’m eighteen. I’m graduating in a few months, and I think I should ask you what the deal is? I mean, you’re not a mean person. You’re... this whole thing! Europe, for free. For me. But it’s like you’re afraid.” Then she shut up and said, “And now I have overstepped my boundaries. We should probably get on with the play.”
Tina got up, but Stearne put a hand on her arm. She turned around.
“Ms-- Tina,” Stearne started over. “You’re right,” he said. “I... I try to distance myself from my students. I’m not that old. You may have noticed.”
“Someone said twenty-four.”
“Right,” Stearne nodded. “And it’s easy to lose track of how you’re the teacher, and a student is a student when you all are so close in age. I take my job very seriously, so I try to maintain that... “
“Frostiness?” Tina teased.
“Er, yes,” Stearne smiled back at her. “And I suppose sometimes it’s my loss.”
“Tell you what Stearne,” Tina said. “If you help me write my essay for this thing then, after graduation, I’ll swing by your place and do shots with you.”
Stearne suddenly laughed, and all the kids entering the auditorium looked up, surprised and frightened by such a sound. “You’re too much, sometimes, Ms. Foster--”
“You’re gonna have to knock that off too.”
“Martina.”
Tina shrugged, and turned around. “Oh, my God,” she muttered looking down from the stage.
It was her father.


Since Drew and Simon were at play practice, Vaughan had consented to go to the auditorium for play practice as well. Madeleine would show up around three-thirty, so it would all be a big family affair, even if the family was a little unconventional.
On their way down the lobby, Vaughan was the first to hear the shrieking, and then the hooting, and turn around to see Roy in jeans and tee shirt, gym bag over his shoulder, speeding down the hall. By way of greeting, he stopped when he met them, dropped to the ground, and began doing one handed push ups.
Ian and Mackenzie looked at each other. Drew and Simon looked to Vaughan, and Vaughan looked down on Roy.
Roy leapt up and threw his arms about Vaughan.
“I could kiss you!”
“But you won’t,” Vaughan said by way of warning.
“People, you are looking at a sex god,”Roy announced.
“Deep inside,” Vaughan commented tonelessly, “I always had that sense about you.”
“What’s up, Roy?” his cousin said.
Roy broke into a rhythmless dance and chanted, “Rachel Du Fresne wants me! Rachel wants me.” He told Vaughan, “we’re practically family now.”
“This is too weird,” Vaughan said.
“Roy Cane,” Roy announced himself, “the other white meat. Bum! Bum! Bum! ”




A number of things happened all at once in the auditorium.
Roy Cane burst in singing, “Rachel DuFresne wants me!” and Mackenzie stopped in his tracks upon seeing his father look down at them from the stage. Then Ian turned around and headed back for the exit of the auditorium while Tina came down the stage steps.
“Ian,” Kevin called out. He could tell this was the first thing he would have to do.
Ian turned around.
The two of them stood looking at each other, and then the doors of the auditorium opened, and Madeleine came in. She glanced over the entire situation, then made her pronouncement:
“Really, someone should say something to somebody!”
Vaughan raised a hand, and went down near the stage, motioning for Simon and Drew to follow him. After a second’s hesitation, Madeleine and Roy did as well.
Kevin looked from Ian to Mackenzie, and then said to Ian, “I was wrong about the other night. I was... I was discourteous. I wanted to apologize. I’m sorry.”
He offered his hand.
Instead, Ian looked to Mackenzie, who shrugged as if to say, take it or leave it. Ian took it. He met Mr. Foster’s eyes. He could not tell what he saw in them. For the first time he was aware that they were not Mackenzie’s eyes, that this man who had produced his lover was nothing like Mackenzie. As their hands parted, Ian wondered what Kevin Foster saw in his eyes. It wasn’t graceful acceptance. Maybe it was the phrase, “Too little too late,” which kept rolling around in his head.
“I’ll let you talk to Kenzie,” Ian said, and then looked to Mackenzie for confirmation that it was alright.
Again, Mackenzie gave the barely perceptible nod. Ian nodded back, and headed down to where the others sat.
“How are you, son?”
“I’m alright, Dad,” Mackenzie said in a tone that seemed to mock Kevin’s.
“I... I knew I needed to talk to you.”
“Did Mom send you?”
“Um?” for a moment Kevin had that spaced out look that accompanied him so often.
“I said, did Mom send you? Did you know you had to come and talk to me because she told you so. Or Tina?”
“No. No,” Kevin’s brows furrowed and he looked grim. Mackenzie could see the wheels turning in his father’s head. “I came to let you know you can come home.”
“I know I can come home,” Mackenzie snapped. Kevin’s eyes lit up in surprise. “It’s my house, for God’s sake. It’s my mother’s house. You didn’t throw me out. I left because you couldn’t handle Ian, because you can’t deal with what I am.”
“I know you’ve had a change. You’re going through new things.”
“Well, Dad, actually I’m queer. That’s the change,” Mackenzie said.
Mackenzie couldn’t tell if Kevin was pained by the loudness of his statement, or the statement itself. His father said, “Mackenzie, you don’t really know what you are at sixteen.”
“I suppose you didn’t know you were a heterosexual at sixteen, either? When you had already made Tina and Ashley, when me and Lindsay weren’t far off.”
Kevin looked put out, and said, “That was completely different.”
“It was completely different because you had to marry Mom. And for that matter, you’re right. It is completely different because I actually want to be with Ian. You’re right it is completely different, and that is why I am queer. Because I am completely different. I’m not gay and happy. I’m not listening to Bette Midler, and Judy Garland. I’m not a poof or a fag. I’m different. I’m weird! I feel strange, and a little pissed off, and I certainly do not fit in with Jamnia, Ohio, and this... makes me QUEER.”
Mackenzie took a breath. Kevin looked as if he didn’t know what to say.
Mackenzie spoke again.
“Thank you for coming to talk to me. Thank you for apologizing to Ian, though I think he probably thinks you could have done a little bit more. I... ah,” he pointed to the stage. “Play practice is beginning. I need to go.”
“Alright,” Kevin nodded his head. “Okay.
Kevin Foster prepared to leave the auditorium, wondering if he had actually accomplished anything.

Tina was the last to leave the auditorium that evening, and Stearne said, “You are happy? About Europe, aren’t you? I thought I was doing the right thing.”
She smiled brightly, “Mr. Stearne, I am incredibly happy about Europe,” Tina told him. Then she said, “I know that you’re told not to worry about other people. In the academic life... Or I guess life in general. You’re supposed to make sure you turn out alright, and not worry about others.”
“Really,” Stearne said. “Who told you that?”
“You did,” Tina looked at him strangely. “In history of the modern world.”
“Oh,” Stearne was caught up short. “Well, continue, Ms. Foster.”
“But Luke... He is my friend.”
“Madeary?”
“Yes. And... he’d love something like this, and he has nothing like this. I can’t even see telling him about it. Not right now. All he has in his future is the gas station he works at with my cousin that I’m about go pick him up from. You know, I want him to have a chance too.”
“Ms.-- Tina,” said Stearne. “There aren’t a lot of girls like you.”
“Well, no,” Tina pulled on a strand of her black hair, and examining it as if to prove this.
“No,” Stearne grinned. “I mean, you’re very kind. I’ll see what I can do.”
“What?”
“I said I’ll see what I can do,” Stearne said.
“So that Luke can go too?”
“I’m not promising anything,” Stearne told her. “But, yes, that is what I meant.”
Tina threw her arms around George Stearne’s neck. “I could kiss you!”
“Please, Martina. Not until after graduation.”

“ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT to stay for dinner?” Cedric said, sitting in the driveway as Simon’s car rumbled, and the two boys stood on either side of it.
“Oh, you don’t want us,” Simon Pendergast said. “We’d just eat up your food, and never leave, and get on your nerves.”
“You’d be like family, then,” Cedric said, beside Vaughan.
Simon was about to climb into his side of the Volkswagen Beetle, when Drew said, “Alright, one last time. Group hug!”
Ian groaned the same time Vaughan did. Simon reached over and grabbed Vaughan with one hand and Mackenzie with the other, and then Cedric watched the very different boys in a cluster, muttering something or other to each other. Simon surprised Cedric by giving the older man a hug and whisperng down-- because both he and Drew were bigger than Cedric, “Thank you, sir.”
Drew did the same, and then they got into the car, puttering backwards down the driveway. Simon turned the car right, to the west. Cedric said, “He forgot--”and then the car u-turned, heading east, “No, he remembered the right direction.”
Simon honked at them one last time. The boys stayed outside because it was getting warmer, and the sky over the high school was tangerine and gold. Cedric went into the house to begin dinner. Madeleine would finish it off. Tina and Luke were coming... along with Rodder.
The kitchen was filled with western light. Cedric reached into the aluminum sink to test the ground beef. It had finally thawed. When he heard the screen door open, and the boys come in, in one deft move he hid the newspaper article that Brother Julian, ever timely, had sent. He prepared to push it out his mind as much as possible or as much as was safe by the time the boys came down the hall.
“Julian sent me a message today,” he said as they came in the kitchen, speaking to Vaughan more than anyone else. “Brumbaugh’s funeral is this Saturday. Ralph wants to know if you and Kenzie will be pall bearers.”
Vaughan shrugged, and said, “I guess.”
What Cedric did not say is that Julian had taken special pains to cut out an article about a sixteen year old gay boy down near Cincinatti whose father had thrown him out of the house, taken him back in, and then knocked on his door politely, while he was listening to a CD-- Depesche Mode to be exact-- and beaten, raped, murdered, then decapitated the boy. There was a photograph of what the boy had looked like before. Could have been Simon or Drew. Might have been Derrick Todd for that matter. Could have still been alive. His father had taken care to scratch over his forehead, with a pen knife, “Sodomites go to hell.”
Ironic, in light of how he had killed his son.
At any rate, as Cedric unwrapped the ground beef, and put it in the skillet, he was terribly afraid. He did not want Drew and Simon to leave because he trusted Crawford Street Rule, but he did not trust the world.
“Ian, how are things at home?” he asked.
“I was thinking about going back for a few days,” he said. “Maybe. Why?”
Cedric didn’t look at Ian He just held out his hand, which was the gesture everyone knew meant, “Give me my cigarettes.”
“Do me a favor?” Cedric said. “Don’t go back there just yet. Stay here, alright?”
Ian didn’t ask any questions. He just nodded his head.


Cedric usually kept to himself until dinner time, locked away in his study. So it wasn’t until somewhere near dinner time when Vaughan noted that his father should have been getting ready to cook, that Madeleine said, “Oh, yeah. Dad went down to Crawford Street to visit Cousin Letmee.”
Vaughan looked as if he’d smelled something bad. Cousin Letmee’s real name was lost in history, but he was a cousin of Cedric’s, the same in age, and the grandson of the long dead Evelyn whom Vaughan vaguely remembered. Letmee was the youngest of four brothers, one of whom was the father of Rachel DuFresne, and he had gotten his name because, in childhood, whenever someone had asked for a volunteer he would always put his hand up and say, “Let me! “Let me!”
So Letmee DuFresne had a volunteer’s spirit. But every Fitzgerald, Sandavaul, and DuFresne this side of the Mason-Dixon line knew that what Letmee volunteered for was usually illegal. If you needed to learn to make a fake ID, or have one made, go to Letmee. If you needed to license a nice car, sold on the cheap because it was more than likely hot, go to Letmee. If you were wondering where you just might be able to find a hit man in a pinch, then you should never be afraid to look Letmee DuFresne up.
So the fact that Cedric had been at Letmee’s house this long piqued Vaughan’s curiousity.
He kept the reason why to himself, and did not let on anything to Ian or Mackenzie.
Ian dropped Roy off at his home, and Roy did his homework because for once he was in a mood to and he didn’t want the feeling to pass without putting it to some use. Race was not home, he had the house to himself. When he’d finished, he went to the mirror in the bathroom, and began looking at himself. He pulled up the lids ofd his already wide blue eyes, and rolled them around. He felt around his cheek bones, traced his lips, and pushed a hand through his short dark hair. He even flexed his stringy biceps. He was not entirely sure what he was looking for.
He picked up the phone when it rang. It was Rachel.
“Roy, what are you doing Friday?”
“I thought we were getting together Saturday.”
“I thought so too,” Rachel said. “But we’ve got to go to a funeral. Our priest died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“He was real old,” Rachel said. “Anyway, we’re all gonna be there. And I thought-- I don’t want to back up our date. That sounds like I’m canceling or something. And I’m not. So I thought... What about Friday?”